Most girls have this awesome bond with their fathers. We're told from a young age that we are "Daddy's Little Girl" and that we have him wrapped around our fingers. But as my twentieth birthday approaches, I can't help but to feel kind of cheated. You see, I never had this relationship with my dad, In fact, I don't even know who my dad is as a person! I kind of know what he looks like, but in my memory he's just this black outline of what a person should look like.

I believe the last time I saw him in person I was five years old. I can also count the amount of birthday presents, Christmas presents and birthday cards I've gotten from him on one hand. In fact, the one birthday card I have gotten from him was not only generic and impersonal, he signed his nickname not "dad". So now all I can do is ask why.

Why was he never around?
Why didn't he seem to care?
Why was I not like all the other girls who had fathers who loved them?
Why was I so different?

And I may never know the answers to these questions but now I can say I have been blessed with an uncle who was my fill-in-dad so to speak, but he is so much more. As far as I'm concerned my biological father isn't my dad, my uncle is. He did everything fathers are supposed to do. He went to every school event and every football game I marched in. He went to every swim meet and was more excited than I was when I made it to state one year. He encouraged me in everything I wanted to do or try, he helped pick me up when I would fall, he taught me to ride a bike and to skate, and he taught me that a fathers love for his daughter is the strongest thing in the world. When I was upset he would do all he could to fix it and when things were unfair he would put on his game face and he would fix it.

I'll never forget about a year after my mom passed away one day I had just had enough and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I fell to my knees and lost it and he keeled down next to me and just held me, he didn't say anything he just held me like a father does when his daughter is hurting and he can't fix it. In that moment everything was okay, even as broken as everything was, it was okay in its imperfect way. I knew that I could get up, dry my eyes, and keep going. But I still don't understand how a father can abandon his daughter and have nothing to do with her; do nothing but lie to her and give her false hope. For the longest time I thought it was my fault and that something was wrong with me and that's why he didn't want to be around me. I would like to believe that I'm a good person and that I'm fun to be around. I feel like I can be funny sometimes but my humor not only depends on who I'm around, but it's also not for everyone. And I'd like to think I'm beautiful like my mom.

I know now that not only is nothing wrong with me but it's his loss. So this goes out to all the girls who's fathers have never been around by their own choice. We are beautiful, we are strong, and even though we didn't have our biological fathers around we are still so very loved.

My biological father may not have ever shown me a fathers love but my uncle did and his love for me is so much stronger because he stepped up when he didn't have to. He stepped up when he wasn't obligated to. I would never change the relationship I have with my un-biological father because he is my dad. His love for me was something he chose and decided to do when he didn't have to, and I have to say he filled the dad shoes really well.