I literally hear it every day, "Gee Meg, you are so smart, strong and brave. It is a little intimidating to be your friend, I really look up to you." It is little quotes like that I hear on the daily and leave me wide awake at night wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It seems like a total paradox to me, because in my own world I am a complete and utter failure. I do not feel brave and strong. Most days, I lay awake and wonder how I could have been so stupid in that moment that I am going over in my mind.

In reality, all I have ever want in my whole life is just to fit in. Be someone normal and not stick out too much. From the first day of high school to this very moment I just wanted to blend in with the crowd, not wanting anyone to see me. Now that I am 15 years older and my 29th birthday around the corner I understand myself a little more. The reason I never wanted to be a star was because I have this crippling fear of rejection. I as a person, cannot handle it because there are days I can't even accept my own personal rejection. I have my moments where I look in the mirror in disgust wondering why anyone likes me. I am ungodfully hard on myself, comparing myself to the fake facades of Facebook. Like oh hey, look at how happy and successful everyone is...blah blah blah, why am I such a loser? This inner struggle has been a pain in my ass...well...since I was 12 or 13 years old, the moment people started to notice my body changing.

That is another thing, my body. UGH sometimes I just look at myself and think oh my how did I get like this, I look so old and tired. My god where did these stretch marks come from....I really need to tan so I look better. I literally spend hours in the mirror alone picking myself apart thinking I am literally the ugliest human to walk the Earth. It doesn't help that I see women like Kardashians who are literally 5-10 years older than me and still killing it. It is so depressing sometimes to me that it crushes my soul. In my mind, I can't help but know this is exactly why I am single and no one likes me. It has to be my body because my personality is great.

But then I continue to lay in bed, thinking about how hard I am on myself. Like why do I do this? There has to be some rational explanation that explains why I am meaner to myself than anyone else could ever dream to be. It is almost like a drug sometimes, I get high on my own pain. It is a push to be something better and better.

In a moment of clarity, five minutes ago I got it. With a harmless compliment, years of inner struggle to find meaning. I tear myself apart to build myself better. I never really understood that till just now. I push myself every day to reach my goals and drive myself to where I want to be. With each accomplishment it is never enough, I am addicted to success and becoming the best version of myself. I am a success junkie.

I hurry over to my Facebook and look to find evidence of this new development in my life and it is true. I am a success junkie. Driven to be independent and strong. Putting on a good facade just so people will like me. There it is, the truth staring me in the face...I work so hard to be me so that people will like me. Here I am 10 years old, being made fun of for wearing a bra for the first time. Some things just stick with you for a lifetime, and not finding the right person who likes me for me has driven me into this disgusting success monster. Though the outside does not see it, I know I am a monster underneath the surface. Scared to let anyone see my failures, my vulnerabilities and who I really am.

The truth is, I am just like any other junkie self-medicating. My drug is the success instead of a pill or injection I put in my body. I am self-medicating my pain, with each betrayal, each setback, each pain I endure I become more scared and try to hide those feelings deeper inside myself. Until the only person who can see the real me is the little voice in my head I hear when I am looking in the mirror. I want for once in my life to come clean. Show people who I really am, stop trying to blend in and be like everyone else. Stop pressuring myself to be the best at everything I try. I want to stop being a perfectionist. I want to stop being so driven I make myself sick from exhaustion. I want to stop hurting myself interneally about how I look. I want to be able to just float.

But there is no rehab for a success junkie.