Truth be told, I'm slightly scared of graduation. Not the ceremony, or the act of graduating itself, but the aftermath of graduation is what keeps me up at night. Prior to last semester the idea of graduating was not so worrisome... but then again my plans were completely different. For as long as I can remember, attending graduate school immediately after receiving my undergraduate degree was the plan. Every time someone asked me what my plans would be after college, my response was always an automatic and rehearsed "I'm going to grad school right after college!" My parents wholeheartedly supported the idea, and their excitement was endearing and contagious; although many members of my family already have or are in the process of attaining a Bachelor's degree, only a handful have pursued education beyond that. Their excitement motivated me, but at the time I was only thinking about applying to graduate school, and not too worried about what I actually hoped to get out of it and how it would relate to my career goals.
It wasn't until last semester, when I began to think about life after college more seriously, that I began to have doubts about my plans after graduation. Some of these doubts creeped in when I decided to pursue a different focus within the field of psychology, which then caused me to question every plan and decision I had ever made regarding my career. "Am I ready to attend graduate school? Could I even get in? Are my grades good enough? Am I a well-rounded student? Am I gonna be able to commit to an institution for five more years? Is this really what I want to do?" This definitely took a toll on me. For months, I questioned all of my judgements and decisions; I'm already a super cautious over-thinker, and this drove me over the edge. It wasn't until the end of Fall semester, after countless venting sessions with friends (and my mom) and plenty of office hour visits to my professors, that I decided to put off graduate school for another year.
This decision made sense, because it would give me the time to figure out what I really want to do career-wise, and I would be able to focus solely on my current classes and activities at school (without the additional stress of deadlines, letters of purpose, letters of recommendation, and so on). Even though this weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders, my change of plans has brought in another slew of worries and concerns, not the least of which is finding a job after college. Trying to find a job that will help me narrow down my focus even more (in a relatively new field, to boot) has become somewhat of a struggle lately. Finding the right internships and applying for them is equally as stressful. Then there's also the whole "what if I don't find a job at all?" worry-session, which doesn't make this decision any easier! I think I'm more frightened of the uncertainty that lies ahead than what I'm going to be doing after graduation. It's not easy to have an idea of what you hope to be doing 6 months from now with no guarantees that you'll actually be doing it.
