If I could give my teenage self some advice, I would tell her that it is totally okay to be different. I would tell her that she was beautiful. I would tell her to put herself first. I would tell her to stay strong. I should have did somethings differently and I should have just taken things slow. At the end of the day, I will never regret what I've done and I will never regret meeting the people that changed my life for good. I will never regret the woman that I have become to this day because of my past.
I would tell my teenage self that it's okay to be different.
I used to believe fitting in was everything. I always thought I had to look a certain way, act a certain way and do certain things to fit in. I tried out for sports, even though I knew I was not coordinated enough for them. I tried wearing the most expensive clothes that everyone else had, even though I couldn't afford them. I acted like I didn't like all the things that I actually loved. I tried being someone that I wasn't. I tried being someone that didn't even exist. I guess I always knew that deep down, I was different. I didn't want to accept that I was different. I just wanted to fit in but I never really belonged anywhere. I wish I could tell my teenage self that it was okay to be who I was. I wish I could have said that I will be okay doing what I loved.
I wish I could have told my teenage self that she was beautiful.
I always wished to be thinner and to be prettier. I thought being beautiful was being skinny, having clear skin, having prefect nails and owning the most expensive clothes. I always called myself ugly and fat. Sometimes people agreed with me. Puberty is one of the worst phases we all go through. We all go through awkward phases. Most of us grow out of those awkward phases but some of us don't.
I felt like I wore the some really stupid outfits back when I was in Elementary school and Middle school. I wore hoodies to hide my body shape because it wasn't an hour glass figure. I taught myself how to do make-up because I wanted to hide all the flaws on my face. I wanted to look like all the other girls. I wanted to be trendy. I wanted to feel pretty for once. I wanted to be pretty for once. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin for once. I still cringe at my young self because who likes puberty? I would still give myself the advice.
I wish I could have told myself that it was okay that I couldn't do make-up right. I wish I could have told myself that it was okay that I couldn't afford those expensive clothes. To this day, I could still tell you all the flaws I have. I could still tell you all the things I dislike about myself. I think a lot of us could agree. I always thought being beautiful would mean that I was worth something. But I wish I could have told myself that I was going to be beautiful in the long run. I wish I could have told myself that I was going to break a lot of hearts.
I wish I could have told my teenage self to put herself first more often.
I used to put my trust into others that didn't deserve it. I always care for my friends. I care so much because I hate the thought of being alone and being unwanted. People begin to take advantage of your trust when you are a caring person like me. Some people had the nerve to talk ill of me, they would make up lies and say that I was speaking ill of others, they would ask me for favor and they would take advantage of me. People would treat me like their best friend for a whole day, then later they go and find someone else. They would start saying that they were their best friend and it made me feel awful about myself. Like hello, I was your friend first. People liked to make up stories about me being nasty and doing things that probably at the time, I was not doing. They would make up stories saying that I was an awful person and that no one should be my friend.
Some people took it so far that they told my friends that I was keeping secrets from them. People would ask me to do them favors. I don't mind helping anyone out. I'm a very caring person and I'm always willing to help someone in need. I would help others pay for stuff. I would open my house up if they needed a place to stay. But what did I get in the long run? Nothing. I gave 110% for people who didn't care. I never got a thank you for all the things I did. I went to an extent to let boys take advantage of me. I started to not care and I started to hang out with the wrong crowds. I have done things that I am not proud of. When you let people push you around for so long, it begins to hurt. People will push you so far that you forget that it's supposed to hurt. Trust me, I know. I wish I could have told myself to not lay it all out there on the line. I wish I could have told myself to be careful with who I thought I could trust and who I told everything to.
I wish I could have told my teenage self to stay strong.
I remember when everything changed for me. My grandmother passed away my freshman year of High school. That was when everything feel apart for me. My grades dropped and I was falling behind. I fell in love for the first time and he didn't care at all. He did it because he thought I was easy. He left my behind to start over his life in a new place. The days drug on and it felt like years. The nights grew darker and quieter.
I started to realize that I didn't have time for anything. I found myself staying inside. I found myself avoiding my friends and family. I didn't want to go outside anymore. I slept most of my time away. I started to cry more. I had grew depressed. I had hit my rock bottom. I lost my friends. I lost someone that was such an important family member to me. I lost my first love. I remember crying to my father ever night because I was ashamed for who I have become. I remember breaking my mother's heart when the doctors told her I need to seek for treatment.
I remember locking myself in the bathroom at night. I would cry in agony on the bathroom floor for hours. I remember reaching for something sharp and silver to release all this pain that grew inside of me. I remember seeing the color red drip off my wrist before bed. What I remember most is standing back up. I rose from the bathroom floor and took a good look in that mirror. I looked at myself and was taken aback at the reflection staring back at me. I looked at my damaged wrist and then my face. I asked myself why. Why are you doing this to yourself? I shook my head and felt fresh tears fall down my cheeks.
This was not who I was. What was I doing to myself? I know I'm not perfect. But at the same time I am perfect for someone out there. I wish I could have told myself to fight through that dark age.
I never regret anything I do. If I had a time machine and was offered to go back and fix everything I did wrong, I wouldn't. I think the only thing I would change would be waiting longer for the right person to have sex. I would change one more thing. I would go back in time and I would make myself meet my boyfriend now. I wish I knew him longer. I met him my senior year of high school and I fell in love. I wish I could have waited for him. I wish I could have met him sooner because I have never felt this way about anyone. I have never felt so sure about a person.
All of my mistakes make me beautiful. All of my flaws make me beautiful. I am who I am because of what happened to me. I know at the end of the day, I am beautiful and I am strong. I would like to thank my best friend and boyfriend for giving me the courage to stand tall. I would like to thank everyone who has hurt me and broke me down. Because I'm still here and I learned to love myself. I learned to carry myself in strong presence.