I’d like to start by introducing myself as if you, the reader, know absolutely nothing about me. If I had to put a label on myself it’d probably say something like “international adoptee, avid volunteer and a fan of poker.” My name is K Subhasri Barclay. Yes, I know. My middle name ‘Subhasri’ is highly unusual. However, I do promise you it is spelt right and no, I’m not kidding.

S - u - b - h - a - s - r - i. It took me until I was in about the second grade to be able to spell such a name and it took me even longer to know how to pronounce it correctly. Su- Bas- ree. It took me until recently, as I am 16 now, to completely understand what it was supposed to mean to me.

“Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.” - Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE

Children are a blessing and a curse depending on a person's view. As a society we see children growing up in stages based solely on behavior and despite this idealism it’s almost everyone's dream to one day be a parent. However, sometimes what a person wants verses what they receive are two very opposite things. Some can’t have children due to complications or medical obstacles and others simply haven’t found their other half yet. Between these two different types of people are those who have different views, whether religious or personal, and would rather find another way to fulfill the natural human longing to be a parent. The common ground these people all share: adding the option for adoption.

Adoption is a complicated, legal form of child birth. It can be either domesticated or international. Domestic is usually from the country the adoptive parent(s) are residing in, while international adoption is basically a lot like global trade. I personally have experience with both types as I am internationally adopted and have several family members who are domestically adopted. To put things simply, I envy those who are domestically adopted.

I’m not saying I don’t appreciate how I got my start or who I am or even who my adoptive parents and family are, but I am saying given the choice I’m not sure I’d support someone who would be considering international adoption. Domesticated however, is another story, perhaps for another time.

International adoption is hard because of several reasons. These reasons contribute to emotional stress, identity confusion and the longing of belonging. I have had my battles with accepting who I am and have come to the sad reality that my life will always be one giant question mark. To make things 100% clear: being adopted is a blessing but a curse.

When a person adopts domestically their child will forever be “home”. They are living in their own country and are surrounded by their own kind. The parent(s) can choose whether or not to do an open (the birth parent(s) will be allowed in the child's life) or closed (the child will not obtain any information on his/her birth family until they have turned 18) adoption. However, in an international adoption the child is taken from a place they essentially would call home. They are put in a new environment with new kinds of people and have no information other than the birth date, their gender, weight, height, and name of orphanage.

Some will say this isn’t a big deal. You don’t have to have your roots to live life to fullest. What you don’t know won’t kill you. However, I question these typical responses. Do you know what it’s like to not know your last name? To not know your medical history? To simply not know anything?

I tell you it’s hard to think about your past and all you can come up with is a sheet of paper with a few words written on it. This feeling is known as identity confusion. To know who you are perhaps by name and basic labels but not ever feeling as though you truly know who you are. This is the biggest obstacle. Growing up without a past but being told you have to move forward. It creates a lack of trust in self and a somewhat small perspective on life.

When you don’t know who you are, how do you know where to fit in? The longing to belong is another reason being adopted isn’t ideal nor easy. Growing up in a mainly white community it’s hard for me to say I “fit in.” In fact I can’t say it all. I always stood out in class, the lunch room, group photos, family events and even just walking down the street. I didn’t think it was a bad thing but then everyone else noticed I was different (which is when the bullying and self-hate started.)

In kindergarten I had one friend. No one else wanted to play with me because I looked different. When I entered the first grade my teacher called me out of class on King Jr Day because she thought (being from India) I was offended. In grade two or maybe it was three when a tsunami hit India the teachers all gave me their condolences. By the time I entered grade five I was told to go back to my country.

Of course being a kid I believed no one liked me. I truly thought I was a colored kid in the wrong place, with the wrong people. The bullying grew even more as I entered middle school and everyone learned the “hilarious” racist jokes, Convincing myself even more that I was nothing.

I’m not saying every adoptee goes through this but about 90% of us do. It's not uncommon for bullying to happen, which essentially leads to self hate. It doesn’t necessarily mean self harm or depression but it does mean for several years we forget how to love who we are.

Altogether this causes a great emotional stress. We're caught between trying to understand who you are and why you were given up while being bullied, followed by the stereotypes of people around you saying “you’re lucky.” Everyone says to be grateful and to be happy. Yet, growing up in a world where we relate to our parents and our history, it’s hard to be grateful you don’t have one of your own.

Those who are reading this paper and thinking, “this kid needs some serious help,” I assure you that I know the reasons to adopt and I know why it’s a good thing. Poverty rates are high around the world and are continuously growing. Children deserve a happy, well lived, educated life. I’m not saying I haven’t experienced the upsides of adoption. However, I don’t see as many positives compared to my negatives.

My family is a blessing by far. I’m sure without them I’d be on the streets or in a gang or involved in something illegal. Part of me agrees with adoption but a bigger part wishes I was home and longs to understand why I am adopted.

The only information I have is my birth name, my weight, my birth date, the name of the orphanage, and the sad reality of how I got my start. Subhasri, born in June of 1997, weighing about 3 pounds and 5 ounces, located in Calcutta, India at the International Mission of Hope, and born out of wedlock either due to lust verses love relationship or a rape. My middle name, my skin color, my years of bullying and my emotional past are the only things holding me to my birth country.

Subhasri means ‘wealth in love.’ It’s supposed to mean I have love and find love in almost every way and everyone; a happy name for a child who hasn’t always been happy with the lack of past. Adoption is a blessing but in the same respect can cause more damage than good in my opinion.

Authors note:

I promise I’m emotionally stable. I understand reading this may cause concern but it’s all in my past. I have seen someone to talk about this and talk about adoption with my parents. I also have a strong community of friends who understand what I have gone through and have come to terms with the past I have. I may not have those roots and it may have taken me some time but I have learned to spread the wings I have and fly.