There are countless moments in our lives that shape who we become. We don’t always know in the moment that the experience is changing us, but sometimes there are experiences that are too large to ignore that they are changing us. No experience I have been through has ever impacted my life the way that losing my baby cousin did. Losing such a young family member truly changed my outlook on life.

My baby cousin was born in August. She was a light in a dim world where my aunt and uncle had previously lost an unborn child. I was ecstatic to have a family member that I would have an opportunity to watch grow up and spoil. She was born with some health complications that we knew would require surgery. Doctors reassured us that they were fixable and that my cousin should make a speedy recover. Heart surgery is never an easy feat, though. After a wonderful three months at home, my cousin never made it out of surgery.

There were several months after the tragedy that I found myself being angry about everything. I could not comprehend why this happened to my family. From where I was standing there was no reason for this to happen to us. I was angry at God and at life. Even more than anger, I felt a deep sadness that I could never escape from. I carried my emotions around like an overweight backpack. In this case, though, there was no dropping the weight off when I could not bare it anymore. It was almost a burden too heavy for me to handle. It changed me all the way down to my core. I am so more empathetic towards people who have dealt with loss than I use to be.

Since it happened my mom and I have made a bigger effort in seeing our out-of-state family, which includes my aunt and uncle, than we did before. This summer, during a trip to see them, my aunt and uncle decided they wanted to start pursuing adoption. To begin this process they needed to put together an adoption profile. They wanted my mom to be able to bring one home with her since she works in the OB department of a medical clinic. They were busy throughout the week with work and would not be able to do it themselves before we left. So they entrusted this critical task to me. It put an insane amount of pressure on me, but I put everything I had that week into doing it.

There is one positive that has come from this tragedy. I now find myself wanting to be more involved with charities and causes that I never really made attention to before. I got involved in high school with the March of Dimes and Sleepers in September through our Beta Club. This loss in my family has inspired me to reach for greater heights in my future career. There’s nothing I want more than to spend the greater part of my adult life delivering babies. Being a part of people creating families would bring me so much happiness.

The change losing my cousin has made in me is not one that everyone can see. It’s been a subtle change. I cherish life now so much more than I did before. I’ve watched my aunt and uncle struggle to have children, and it’s something I’ll never forget. One day when they are blessed with a child through adoption I know it will be the happiest day of our lives. It is this moment in my life that proved to me that I would only be happy spending the rest of my life bringing life into this world and making families’ dreams come true.

I wrote the above part for a college admissions essay almost two years ago. Looking back on the tragedy my family went through I know we all came out stronger on the other side. This was only possible though through God’s grace. He loved us and wrapped us in his arms during a time where all we felt was pain. My aunt and uncle are now the parents to a beautiful 19-month-old son. Though I wish every day that my cousin Briley was still here with us, God works in mysterious ways. I have no doubt that God knew from the beginning that he would bring Brayden into our lives. For that I will be forever thankful.