Recently, a friend told me he felt like I was insecure in regards to another person we both know. While this information shocked me at the time, it really shouldn't have. At the time, I reacted blazingly and spit out sentences to try to convince him that it wasn't true. Unfortunately, even I'm mature enough to know that what he said should not have sparked that kind of reaction if it wasn't true. This cliché moment of profuse denial is a classic.
Part of the reason I felt like I fell prey to this common occurrence of not admitting my true feelings is that I hid behind the veil of a girl who was both confidant and carefree, a girl who would never be called insecure. It's easy to know the type of girl you wish you were and tell yourself you can be that girl. It's hard to admit that you will never be that girl. Maybe I can't be the girl that doesn't care, but it doesn't make me worse for caring. Many times I have seen my friends get torn down after letting things get to them and starting to care too much about something. I never wanted to be that friend. Suddenly, I have turned into that very friend, though. And it's not getting me anywhere by denying it. I do care and it's time to admit that.
Another problem is that I figured that if I never admitted anything out loud, then it couldn't be true. But actions really do speak louder than words. Someone outside of the situation may be able to see it clearly for what it is, by your actions, even if you can't. Saying something can be very powerful, but your actions are what people really notice. That was one of my issues. My actions were screaming something completely different than what I was telling myself and saying out loud. I was contradicting my own self which only caused more dramatics for me. Instead, things could have been way more simpler and I should have acknowledged my actions.
The truth of the matter is that it's really hard to get called out. Was I insecure? Of course. I didn't want to admit anything to myself or anyone else because I wanted confirmation. I wanted confirmation that my feeling was reciprocated and it was OK to care as much as I did. However, by staying in denial for so long I just caused myself way more pain than gain. That still doesn't make it OK for someone to call me out on it. It was a low blow, but at least that made me finally admit my insecurities. This was a lesson I should have learned in high school, and it's embarrassing to admit that I didn't learn it until college. I should have been more honest about how I felt and what I wanted out of the situation earlier.
