I have been pondering the term of innocence lately and what it truly means, what it means to my soul.
I reflect on my life and try to think about when I lost it, did someone take it from me? Was there one specific moment when I lost it?
I remember being a young girl looking at my parents as if they were invincible. I thought they knew all of the answers to my every question and that they would save me from everything that could ever hurt me. I believed that everyone had pure intentions and I trusted without fear.
Now I look at my parents and see that they are just as human as I. They have addictions, flaws, and do not have the answers I seek. Paranoia floods my brain every time I meet someone new and believe that everyone is cruel hearted.
I wish so badly I could put on the rose-tinted glasses of innocence that I saw life through during my childhood. Part of me believes that my education took away my innocent outlook on this life. I learned the horrors of war, the finality of death, and the vastness of the unknown. My mind was opened to the reality of the world and then I began to understand that the world did not revolve around me and my life.
In fact, in the grand scheme of things, I am nothing but a grain of sand that makes up a beach. My life experiences have chipped away at my once full block of innocence one by one. My first encounter with death, my first heartbreak, witnessing divorce, and my own poor decisions with brutal consequences all slowly consumed my innocence.
As an innocent child, I believed in everything and everyone believed in me. I think that most of us as adults are unknowingly just trying to achieve that state of being once again. I may never achieve that state of being again but I believe that all of us should attempt to make our hearts and minds as pure as they once were when we were green.