I had to be about 6 years old when I started to become familiar with my mother’s inconsistency. We were living in Ottawa, Illinois at the time, in a relatively nice house surrounded by corn fields. It was me, my father, my mother and my twin Mercedes. I would say it was maybe a few months into the new house when I started to experience more nights without hearing my mother sing You Are My Sunshine to me before bed. Chocolate chip cookies moved from a routine to a rarity. And you can forget about morning snuggles. She would spend days partying. Now as a child, I had no idea what partying meant. I thought it literally meant she spent her days at a party, I now know it meant she spent days strung out on whatever she could find.
As I grew older, I began to realize I did not need to maintain our relationship. I was not her favorite child, and we disagreed on a lot of issues. I was definitely a daddy’s girl and proud of it. My evident favoritism toward my father only worsened our relationship. At some point, it seemed like we were just roommates. I did not want to be affiliated with a woman who chose fun over family – I also did not want to turn into her. I have dedicated the past 12 years of my life to establishing a solid foundation for me to prosper on. I became more focused in school. I moved in with my cousin when I was 11. I became involved in school. I spent less and less time with her. I started focusing less on what kind of person she was, and began focusing on the type of person I wanted to be.
Fast forward to today and here I am. At 18, I am proud to say I am nothing like her. I am nothing like the woman who attempted to raise me. I am no longer the naive 6 year old who wanted a normal mother. I no longer waste my time concerned with her whereabouts. I no tally the hours she has been gone on a legal pad. I no longer cry because she was not there for me. I no longer have a hole in my heart because she’s not there. I no longer feel I need to dictate my choices around her because I am the furthest thing from becoming her. While she played little part in raising me, she set an example of what to do. Our relationship is nonexistent and I am okay with that. At the end of the day, I am surrounded by my intelligent, successful friends, my reliable family and the activities I love most in this world.
I am who I am today because she forced me to experience the harsh effects of partying on a family. She forced me to strive for something better. She forced me to value my intelligence. She forced me to take advantage of every opportunity I was given. She forced me to be nothing like her and for that I am grateful. She was not there to directly shape me into who I am today, but her absence spoke louder to me than her presence ever did.
