Probably the most valuable pieces of advice I've ever received from various feminist internet sources is to never trust the self-acclaimed "Nice Guy" (TM).
You've met him before. He's the guy who complains about how "Nice Guys," like him, always finish last. Girls are too interested in blindly pursuing bad boys to even give him a chance. He just wants out of the friend zone, d----t! Women, who are simply walking vaginal ATMs who can be bought by kindness coins, ignore his advances. It's all so unfair, I might cry a single tear.
Today, I bring to you: The ABC's of "Nice Guy":
A is for "Always There For You":
A true Nice Guy makes the best friendin the world! He is always there as a shoulder to cry on. He's in your life as your best friend and, hopefully, your future boyfriend. Girls can talk to the Nice Guy about their feelings anytime and if they need anything, regardless of her blatant vagueness regarding a sticky situation.
He's always there for The Girl as long as he thinks there might be an opportunity to date and/or bone her. But watch out if that opportunity does not arise; his coveted friendship might not be around for long! He's waiting for his chance to be the boy she finally notices has been by her side the whole time, her Nice Guy in shining armor! Chances are he's never actually asked The Girl out, but he's waiting for her to fall head over heels with his clearly incredible personality and affinity for wearing fedoras.
B is for "B----es":
Some Nice Guys aren't afraid to make his move on his targeted girl. He drinks a Red Bull, puts on his favorite ironic t-shirt from the laundry pile, tilts his fedora to a perfectly askew angle and spits out his best-rehearsed line, soliciting The Girl. He compliments her, calling her beautiful, not forgetting to mention "dat ass." But, alas, she rejects him! Very quickly, she goes from being the girl of his dreams to a "b---h." How dare she not be interested in him and think she can make her own choices in regards to who she is interested in! It's unheard of, I tell you!
C is for "Condoms":
Nice Guys, although they never seem to get the dream girl, sometimes are lucky enough to get laid. Score! But, in the rare case that they get some, it is likely that they will face a legitimate medical problem: IDon'tWantToWearACondom-itis. Sadly, and according to very real statistics, 90 percent of Nice Guys have been diagnosed with this life-hindering disease. His penis is too big to fit inside a condom! Condoms are uncomfortable! Don't you trust him enough to put your medical health at risk? Click here to donate $1 to the cause.
D is for “D*ck Pic”:
Nice Guy is a thoughtful Snapchat friend. He knows that there is nothing the female friend who he hopes to share his endless Nice Guy love with one day would like more than for reassurance to let her know he's thinking about her. And her boobs. This is where every woman's favorite present comes in: The Unrequited Dick Pic. The gift that does not give. Because there is nothing like an eight-second, poorly lit snapshot of a penis to get a girl to swoon. 21st century romance.
E is for "Equal Pay":
Equal pay. OK, maybe this isn't necessarily a Nice Guy trait, but I'll be damned if I don't yell about it. Because, let's face it, you probably work with a Nice Guy. And let's face it, he probably makes more money than you for doing the same job. And this raise isn't due to his chivalrous attitude or the way he tries to guilt you into an office romance — as endearing as that is. It's due to the fact that he was born with a penis, which is totally fair and awesome! At least Nice Guy gets a win here.
F is for "Friendzone":
Picture Hell. Picture the worst possible place you could be, in the worst possible pain, both physical and emotional. I promise you that nothing you could have ever possibly pictured is as painful or traumatic as the horrible, the terrifying, the terrible (dun dun dunnnn) friend zone. Nice Guy meets a Hottie. Nice Guy befriends a Hottie. But, alas, Hottie only sees him as a friend! It's the stuff of horror movies. How dare she not be attracted to him? After all, he's a Nice Guy! He deserves it!
G is for "Girl Friend, Not Girlfriend":
This relates directly to the feared friend zone. The Girl of Nice Guy's Dreams is more than willing to be friends with him. She comes to him for advice. They pregame together. She is always willing to give him a big, friendly hug whenever she sees him. They have similar interests and they're both single. So why won't she date him d----t?! Nice Guy is perplexed by the space in between the words "girl" and "friend" and how to make that gap close and her legs open.
H is for "Hard to Get":
It's a well-known fact that girls are mysterious creatures that are impossible to understand. Their desires and true motives are a mystery, and they always play games. Always. Like if Nice Guy asks a girl out on a date and she says "no," she's probably just playing hard to get! This apparent rejection does not by any means indicate that the Nice Guy should back off in this seemingly unrequited pursuit, but that she should try even harder! Don't just double the pressure to date/hook up, Nice Guy! Triple it! If she seems uncomfortable, she's probably just shy about her feelings for you.
I is for "I'm Not Like Other Guys":
According to science, nice women cannot help but always go for the Bad Boys! Nice Guys, as their self-given title would indicate, are not Bad Boys! They're nice! Nice Guys always make a point of letting you know how "most/other guys" would react in a situation. (i.e. A Bad Boy would not be down to listen to you talk about your feelings, but Nice Guy is always ready!) Unlike Bad Boys, Nice Guy totally understands chivalry! He's held the door open for like eight girls this week. However, Nice Guys rarely win out to the Bad Boys. Girls always go for them, no matter how nice the Nice Guy is, which is totally unfair!!!
J is for "Just One Nude!":
At a certain point in a friendship, Nice Guy can give so much kindness without expecting something in return. At this point, it is totally socially acceptable and not at all disrespectful for Nice Guy to ask for a nude. Just one nude shouldn't be too much to ask for! After all, he was totally nice to you last week about that one thing. So obviously the correct response is a tit pic.
K is for "Kindness":
Nice Guy's definition of "an act of kindness" might differ from, say, a normal person's. Nice Guy rarely indulges in an act of kindness without expecting something in return. Whether that prize might be access to his friend's body, status as a boyfriend or a picture of a single nipple might differ from Nice Guy to Nice Guy (after all, each is an individual and special snowflake), but a reward is expected for kindness nonetheless! Is a half-hearted hand job too much to ask for after a door is held open? Nice Guy thinks not. It's not entitlement, it's common decency.
L is for "Lesbian":
On occasion, women do not find themselves swooning at the beautiful and kind actions of Nice Guy. In this case, it is safe to assume they are a lesbian. Any woman who does not instantaneously throw herself at the feet of a man who is interested in her must not be attracted to men and, thus, are of no use to Nice Guy. Why would Nice Guy surround himself with female friends who are only going to steal his other female friends, leading to him being further friendzoned? It's counter-intuitive, really.
M is for "Mansplaining":
A well-educated Nice Guy knows that women are not as smart as men are. It's science. Their brains are smaller or something. Probably to make room for their boobs. Thus, it is totally appropriate to explain everything to women. They'll thank you for it. After all, you are a much more reliable source on the female experience than your everyday female! You understand them in a way that they don't understand themselves. And that's what makes you so Nice.
N is for “No”:
Nice Guys know that when a woman says "No," there's a chance she means, "Maybe." After all, if Robin Thicke can't tell the difference in these horribly skewed Blurred Lines of what a woman really wants versus what she says she wants, how can Nice Guy be expected to tell? The word "No" is not in the dictionary of words that can be understood by Nice Guy. Women don't know what they really want until they fall for Nice Guy, so how can the word "No" be taken seriously? "No, I'm not interested" can very easily be misinterpreted as "No, I'm not interested yet," y'know?
O is for "Orgasm":
As discussed in "C is for 'Condom,'" it is very rare that Nice Guy scores with the ladies. But, if and when he does, she can be guaranteed to have the two minute ride of her life. Obviously, this will result in her having an orgasm. Nice Guy is more than just Nice, after all; he is amazing in bed. He knows how women work and that faking an orgasm is quite literally impossible. For a good time, call Nice Guy. Don't be a slut though. Nice Guys don't like that.
P is for "Politics":
Lately, there has been a lot of talk of feminism in the media. Too much, as far as Nice Guy is concerned. It's safe to assume that Nice Guy is a proud, card holding Men's Rights Activist (MRA). MRAs address important issues such as how unfair it is that women can get free drinks at bars from men who are looking to guarantee sexual favors in exchange for a $7 drink and how it should be OK to punch women in the face if they want equal rights. Because men can get punched in the face, so why not women?! #politics
Q is for "Question Game":
Oooooooh the "Question Game." A staple in every Nice Guy's arsenal of ways to make the ladies come crawling. This has been popular and used since they were in middle school and is still useful in adult life. Through text, AIM or the messaging apparatus of your choice, Nice Guy asks the Girl if she wants to play the "Question Game." Seems innocent enough, right? "What's your favorite color?" "Where did you grow up?" "Are you a virgin?"
R is for "Rejected":
Nothing in this world is worse than getting rejected by the Girl. Nothing. Not world hunger, women's oppression or racial injustice. When Nice Guy is interested in a Girl and gets rejected, it is very likely (and totally justifiable) that he reacts in anger. A Girl who does not respond favorably (or at all) to Nice Guy's advances should be called demeaning names and made to feel just as bad as he does! Because Nice Guys are entitled to women's bodies as long as they treat them kindly sometimes.
S is for "Savior Complex":
Because of science, women are dainty, delicate and cannot stand up for themselves. Every Cinderella out there needs a Nice Guy to sweep her off her feet and save her from the perils of the modern world. Women can't survive without a Nice Guy by her side. She needs a Nice Guy to protect her and to keep her small female mind in check.
T is for "Trickery":
Most women engage in a practice that can only be seen as modern witchcraft: the art of applying makeup. Nice Guys don't like girls who wear too much makeup, and should always be willing to tell girls when their makeup is too excessive. Makeup is blinding to Nice Guys; it can turn girls who would usually be 2's and turn them into 10's. And that's just not fair. No one wants to wake up to a woman without a naturally contoured face and perfectly lined eyebrows, am I right?
U is for "Unprompted Opinions":
Nice Guys should always be ready to give their opinions, whether or not women ask for them. And if it takes cutting off a woman halfway through her sentence to...
V is for "Very In Tune With His Emotions":
Nice Guys are not afraid to admit that they cried during "The Notebook" or that they love "Grey's Anatomy". Team Meredith, amiright? However, Nice Guys should not be so in tune with their emotions that they lose all sense of "manliness" or for the fear of being seen as gay, which would be the ultimate friendzone! Can you imagine a worse travesty?!
W is for "Whine":
Nice Guys always finish last, so they are beyond entitled to whine about it. In fact, most of the conversation topics Nice Guys can come up with somehow relate to how they never score with the ladies, speaking volumes to their affinity for deep and meaningful conversation. And there's nothing more attractive to women than men who complain about girls not liking them. Honestly, it's such a turn on.
X is for "Xplain to Women That They Should Smile More!":
Consider the following scenario: Nice Guy sees a pretty woman walking down the street. The pretty woman is not smiling. Her face is resting and she is likely going about her day. "You'd look so much prettier if you smiled!" Nice Guy yells helpfully. Yelling at strangers and telling people what they should do with their faces is always so helpful. We're lucky to have guys like Nice Guy to tell women what to do with their bodies!
Y is for "Your Clothes Would Look Better on My Floor, and Other Pickup Lines":
Women respond best to pick-up lines. It is nearly impossible to speak to women like real human beings, probably due to their small brains. Every Nice Guy should have a loaded arsenal of overtly sexual pickup lines ready to go at any moment, because there is no moment in which a pickup line is inappropriate. At the bar? Go for it. She's drinking to become more sexually promiscuous. At the grocery store? Yes. She's shopping, and she can bring you home with the bread, milk and eggs! At her uncle's funeral? Duh. She's gotta get through the grief somehow.
Z is for "Zzzzzzzzzzzz, As in: Your Behavior Bores Me, the Author, and I Would Rather Sleep Than Interact With You"
If you made it through this list and found more than one thing that relates to a man in your life, he might be a Nice Guy. You might even be a Nice Guy! Don't fret, however, this is not without a cure. Educating yourself and others on boundaries, correct ways to speak to women, and to remind yourself/others of a woman's personhood. Let's turn those Nice Guys into guys who are nice. It's never too late to make a difference.
And remember, y'all, it's not nice guys that finish last. It's Nice Guys.
