I spent a lot of time tonight browsing Pinterest, Google, even Instagram to try to find an article or a quote that put into words the thoughts and feelings that have been filling my head in the last few weeks. I came up empty. If you are reading this then you probably did the same thing I did. However, I hope this brings you comfort in knowing that, you are not alone.
At the young beautiful age of 20, I am feeling as though I have no idea who I am anymore. But why? Why do I feel this way? I have so many great things going on in my life. I have every reason in the world to be happy, and I am.
With all of the changes I have gone through in the last year, they are finally starting to catch up with me. Going through the same routines day to day, and getting lost in the daily hustle and bustle of life hasn't helped either. I looked through my camera roll tonight, and watching the old videos and looking at the old pictures that I took of myself, with my friends, and my family... I realized that I don't know who that girl is. That is not the same girl I see in the mirror everyday.
I know I am more than a wife, more than a daughter, sister and friend. I know these things. I am an extremely outgoing, loud and happy person. At least that is the side of me that I show the world...what a lot of people don't know is that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for quite a few years. Not wanting anyone to worry, I only let a few people see that side of me. But now I am bearing it all, in an attempt to help my mental health and to find myself again. I hope this helps you too.
So here we are, all cards on the table. The things that have led to me getting to this point, If you relate to these things, you are not alone.
You DO NOT have to please everyone.
This has always been a huge struggle of mine. I hate disappointing people, even strangers. I used to overanalyze every argument or disagreement I had with people. But, recently I have learned to kind of let what other people say and how they feel about me go. I am still learning, but hey, at least it's a work in progress. If it is not benefitting you or your family, let it (or them) go and move on. You will be so much happier that way.
It is okay to be afraid of the future.
Being someone who has always had to have a mental checklist and plan for everything, this is something I need to comprehend. Although you may have the career you want, the family you always dreamed of having and everything you have ever needed or wanted in life, you may still fear the next five or even the next year of your life. Change and the unknown is scary, and a lot can happen in a very short amount of time. The words I have to repeat to myself daily "Live in the moment, take things day by day, because ultimately that is all you can do." It is okay to have a mental plan of what you want next out of life, but this can also quickly lead to let downs or feeling like a failure if these things are not achieved in the amount of time you want them achieved. So, take things as they come, all you can do is all you can do.
You are not in a competition.
Life is not a competition. You are not trying to be at the point in the race where everyone else is. You have to do things at your own pace, whatever pace that is. I chose to marry my high school sweetheart, move away from everything I have ever known and go through life with him by my side. Being married at 20 is not what most people want. I have heard so many comments that I am missing out, or that I will regret getting married young when I am older and looking back at my life. While I know I made the right choice for me and my happiness, people using my chosen path as a comparison gets old, fast. Even if someday, every decision I have made up to this point blows up in my face, I will never regret anything. My friends and classmates are doing amazing things in many different areas of life, everyone is on a different path and that is okay. You have to do what is best for you and your wants and needs out of life, even if it is different from everyone else.