A Letter To My Chronic Insomnia
Start writing a post

No one tells when you're young that your restless nights sometimes stay with when you grow up. Some of my oldest memories are of me, on the top bunk of the bunk bed I begged my parents to get me even though I didn't share a room with anyone. It started with nightmares.

My dreams when I was younger were messed up. Think of watching your family disappear in the desert messed up.

Pretty weird for a six-year-old. My parents noticed, mixed with my lovely ADHD, that I was a wreck. We tried everything to get me to sleep. That's where you come in. Insomnia, my old friend.

I think about how you keep me up at night, mixed with my friend anxiety, recalling every wrong or stupid thing I've ever done.

I don't blame you for the hundreds of hours of missed sleep, even though it's kind of your fault.

But it's also my medication, something my doctors warn me about every single year.

It's also my lifestyle I promise to change, yet never do.

And it's me. I do it to myself too.

I've always called myself a night owl. One night I drove around town at hours when nothing was open except 7/11. I found myself in a part of town I had never been in a Korean shopping center. While everything was closed, the neon lights buzzed awake advertising soup, jewelry, or skin care. All I could do was sit. It was hypnotic. When I went to leave, a family of deer walked in front of my car and drank from a fountain.

All of this beauty I would have never seen if it wasn't for you.

I lay in bed till two or three waiting for the second I feel like sleeping, yet it never comes. Do you ever think that maybe I choose not to sleep because I'm afraid the dreams will come back again? It wasn't until I started staying up later and later did I conveniently stop having nightmares. Maybe I didn't have time to conceive them in my head with the lack of hours.

While I love watching YouTube videos, Netflix shows, and full-length films, could I have watched them in normal daylight? Probably. Could I write my stories in the sun? Definitely.

While I yearn to be a morning person, I fear you'll always be in my way.

For all these years and all of these nights, it's always been us. So I ask of you, this year, let me sleep. Let me dream, even if the dreams are bad. Let my brain rationalize bad thoughts in the sunlight and not at four a.m. My shows can wait, the movies can be seen another day, my writing will not suffer.

Please, just let me sleep.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Robert Bye on Unsplash

I live by New York City and I am so excited for all of the summer adventures.

Keep Reading... Show less

The invention of photography

The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.


The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Exposing Kids To Nature Is The Best Way To Get Their Creative Juices Flowing

Constantly introducing young children to the magical works of nature will further increase the willingness to engage in playful activities as well as broaden their interactions with their peers


Whenever you are feeling low and anxious, just simply GO OUTSIDE and embrace nature! According to a new research study published in Frontiers in Psychology, being connected to nature and physically touching animals and flowers enable children to be happier and altruistic in nature. Not only does nature exert a bountiful force on adults, but it also serves as a therapeutic antidote to children, especially during their developmental years.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 Simple Ways To Give Yourself Grace, Especially When Life Gets Hard

Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we are becoming.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's giving myself grace. I'm easily my own worst critic in almost everything that I do. I'm a raging perfectionist, and I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times. I can remember simple errors I made years ago, and I still hold on to them. The biggest thing I'm trying to work on is giving myself grace. I've realized that when I don't give myself grace, I miss out on being human. Even more so, I've realized that in order to give grace to others, I need to learn how to give grace to myself, too. So often, we let perfection dominate our lives without even realizing it. I've decided to change that in my own life, and I hope you'll consider doing that, too. Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we're becoming. As you read through these five affirmations and ways to give yourself grace, I hope you'll take them in. Read them. Write them down. Think about them. Most of all, I hope you'll use them to encourage yourself and realize that you are never alone and you always have the power to change your story.

Keep Reading... Show less

Breaking Down The Beginning, Middle, And End of Netflix's Newest 'To All The Boys' Movie

Noah Centineo and Lana Condor are back with the third and final installment of the "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" series


Were all teenagers and twenty-somethings bingeing the latest "To All The Boys: Always and Forever" last night with all of their friends on their basement TV? Nope? Just me? Oh, how I doubt that.

I have been excited for this movie ever since I saw the NYC skyline in the trailer that was released earlier this year. I'm a sucker for any movie or TV show that takes place in the Big Apple.

Keep Reading... Show less

4 Ways To Own Your Story, Because Every Bit Of It Is Worth Celebrating

I hope that you don't let your current chapter stop you from pursuing the rest of your story.

Photo by Manny Moreno on Unsplash

Every single one of us has a story.

I don't say that to be cliché. I don't say that to give you a false sense of encouragement. I say that to be honest. I say that to be real.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

How Young Feminists Can Understand And Subvert The Internalized Male Gaze

Women's self-commodification, applied through oppression and permission, is an elusive yet sexist characteristic of a laissez-faire society, where women solely exist to be consumed. (P.S. justice for Megan Fox)

Paramount Pictures

Within various theories of social science and visual media, academics present the male gaze as a nebulous idea during their headache-inducing meta-discussions. However, the internalized male gaze is a reality, which is present to most people who identify as women. As we mature, we experience realizations of the perpetual male gaze.

Keep Reading... Show less

It's Important To Remind Yourself To Be Open-Minded And Embrace All Life Has To Offer

Why should you be open-minded when it is so easy to be close-minded?


Open-mindedness. It is something we all need a reminder of some days. Whether it's in regards to politics, religion, everyday life, or rarities in life, it is crucial to be open-minded. I want to encourage everyone to look at something with an unbiased and unfazed point of view. I oftentimes struggle with this myself.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments