A Letter To My Heartbroken Self

Breakups are hard. There's nothing comparable to the pain of losing someone you thought would be in your life forever. Someone who said all the right things at the right times. Someone who would give you the reassurance you needed, whenever you needed it. And then one day, it just... stops. Something changes. Something makes you feel like you're suddenly not good enough for him, or anyone for that matter.

But instead of crying, you plaster a smile on your face and keep yourself busy to "be happy" when in reality, you're breaking. You're hurting. You feel like the world is a bad place. You look up the heartbreak playlists on Spotify and cry to them at night. That's when it hits you. Nothing is the same anymore. You're alone. The one person who promised you the world is coming back into your life in the weirdest ways: the dreams, the certain songs you listened to together, being unable to watch your favorite movies because they remind you of him... it all hurts. It feels like part of you is missing. Part of you just... vanished.

You continue to write about him in your notes on your phone, and it feels better, but nothing feels like how he made you feel. He quickly became everything. He quickly became your go-to, and even was verging on being your best friend. And then one day... it just wasn't enough.

You want to be okay, you want him to message you. You want him to ask you how you are. But in reality, he won't. He won't reach out to you. It's time to let go. But how? How do you delete the 547+ pictures from your phone? The videos? The memories? How can you just let that go? When does it stop hurting? When do you start healing?

You're doing everything you can to feel better, you're trying to keep yourself busy, you're back in counseling, you're trying your hardest. But what happens when you can't move on? What happens when you realize that no one can be him? How do you move on and forget how amazing he made you feel? How do you get past the memories, the laughs, and the great times? How can you go into a store that you went to on your first date as a couple, how does that work?

Some days it feels so fresh. Like it just happened, and you have to remind yourself that it's been almost a month since he broke up with you and it shouldn't hurt this must. You've tried to be patient. You've tried to be realistic with yourself. But it still hurts like crazy.

Crying doesn't make it any better because you learned when you were younger that crying is a sign of weakness (when you know it's not true). You can't make another TikTok of you crying, but it just seems to be the only thing you do these days. You're hurt. You don't exactly know what to do from here. You want to be happy, you do... but everything reminds you of him. Every. Little. Thing. And suddenly, you're wishing that you're were eight again, and your biggest worry was what outfit to put on your American Girl Doll.

Your feelings are valid. You can feel this way, yes. But you're getting in the way of yourself. You're confused. You don't know what to do. And that's okay, your feelings are valid. You are valid. You are worthy of someone who loves you unconditionally, someone who never stops choosing you. And as much as you wanted it to be him, it's okay that it's not. It's okay. It doesn't seem that it's okay, and it doesn't seem like it will be okay. But it will be.

You're in a hurry to be happy with someone, but you need to truly focus on yourself. You need to find something that makes you happy. You need to just do you. YOU WILL BE OKAY. You need to be patient, and that will be difficult. You need to have faith that everything will come together and you will be happy. After all, you said yourself that happiness is self-produced. So maybe rather than pitching advice and how to be happy to others, you take your own advice. You put yourself first. You will be happy. You will find someone. Someone who knows they want you from the start. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone who wants a future with you. It will come. It just takes time and you know that. You know that everyone deserves happiness, so why don't you just... believe it for yourself?

It will get easier, and it will get better. You just need to allow yourself to feel these emotions. Allow yourself to feel angry. To feel hurt. It's all part of the process. Although it may seem easy for him, maybe it's not. Maybe he's great at hiding things. Maybe this is really hurting him, although unlikely, maybe, just maybe-- he's feeling a lot too. You know that contacting him is probably not the best thing you can do right now, so maybe try just focusing on you. The only thing that you can do is breathe, move forward, and focus on what makes you happy.

In regards to deleting everything, it will get better. Give it time. Give yourself time. It hurts, and you know it. It's okay. And I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but... if it's meant to be, it will find a way to happen. You shouldn't have to second guess anything. When it's love, you'll know it. When it's love, it shouldn't hurt this much. When it's love, you shouldn't cry yourself to sleep. When it's love, he will know he wants you. There won't be anyone else to worry about. When it's love, it will be easy. It will be natural.

You need to remember that maybe you're the bad guy to his family now, or maybe not, but you shouldn't stop caring about them just because this happened. You did the best you could to make a great impression on them. But I know what you're thinking, and maybe reaching out to them isn't the best thing to do. Maybe just give that time, too.

I want to end this with a few reminders: your feelings are valid, no matter what they are. You are not a bad person. It was just a bad situation, and no one is in the wrong here. Yes, your feelings were hurt, but you need to imagine how he's feeling about this too. It will be okay. Everything happens for a reason, and just remember that you are becoming stronger, even when you don't feel it. You're getting to be so strong. Just imagine how great it's going to be when the right person comes into your life and shows you endless love and support. You will get that. So just be patient with yourself. Keep praying. You've got this.