We've all been there. You're finally sitting down to write that paper you have been putting off all semester. You think you have finally wrapped your head around getting this one done. You tell yourself all of the benefits that will be bestowed upon you once you just turn this assignment in... You'll finally be done with this class, you can finally go out with your friends and get all kinds of chocolate and strawberry wasted, or you can even do the more likely option, and binge watch Netflix completely free of guilt for a change. Well, my friends, these are the 11 universal stages of writing a paper we all know too well!
1. Prepare your workstation
Drink? Check. Cell phone? Check. Snack? Check. OK, you can do this!
2. Confidently begin paper
Insert header, page number, name, and date... Phew I am really cooking! Let's read over the essay question again. Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Oh, no!
3. Read through your notes
There has got to be something in here that can loosely relate to my topic. What does that sentence even say? I really need to work on my penmanship. How the heck is my roommate sitting over there being all productive? She's been in that same position forever. If she keeps it up she's going to get one of those old lady humps like Quasimodo. *Straightens back* Ha-ha, maybe she'll look like Quasimodo... OMG, focus!
4. Stare at your computer screen for 30-plus seconds
How am I going to pull this one off? I have now wasted two-and-a-half hours, and the amount I have done is a joke! I am so going to prove my professor's ongoing theory that I am indeed an idiot. Maybe that girl from high school, who now strips, is onto something.
5. Take a break
Facebook... baby, baby, baby, puppy, baby, engagement, toddler dancing better than me. Twitter... that grumpy cat just gets me! Ugh! Ellen is the nicest person ever! Instagram... how do all of these children get so many likes? Snapchat... who in the world is getting paid to come up with a tomato filter that makes me look like Violet Beauregarde from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" I could do that job. *Google searches "jobs at Snapchat"* OK, I need to get back to this paper. Oh! I need more to drink!
6. Give yourself a pep talk
Come on! We don't want to be living in a box do we? Let's do this!
7. Rehearse your audition for "The Voice"
You decide to put your ear-buds in to block out the rest of world, and then Beyonce happens.
8. Contemplate your life
Maybe college isn't right for me after all. At this point, I can't even differentiate between affect and effect! The loft above my parents' garage isn't so bad...
9. Have a mental breakdown
What is wrong with me? I'm literally going to fail because I have the attention span of a gnat... and probably the same sized brain! I have no idea what I'm even writing about! I'm literally only good for reciting random song lyrics and lines from Spongebob!
10. Finish the paper
This is the stage that no one remembers. You power through and complete the paper in a caffeine-induced frenzy like a boss in the wee hours of the morning.
11. Submit the paper
Some vaguely remember this stage the next morning. Once submitted, you do a happy dance, pray for the professor's mercy, and then pass out on top of your laptop.
