If you’re anything like me, cooking is one of those things that reminds you that there’s a big difference between liking something and actually being good at it.
To this day, I still try to convince myself that it’s obviously the toaster oven’s fault whenever my toast comes out completely charred.
Unfortunately it usually doesn’t work. And I pretty much still suck at cooking.
The good news? Food Network exists. It exists to inspire those who can’t even make a frozen pizza and to fill the void between “I really like this” and “unfortunately I also really suck at it”. It’s the safe-haven for the actual worst cooks in America. Food Network was created for people like us.
But sometimes even just watching really successful chefs on Food Network is enough to remind me that I’m not sophisticated enough to know what the hell it means to “reduce my glaze” or “cleanse my palette.”
I may not be a cooking extraordinaire, but I have been watching Brunch at Bobby’s long enough now that I think it’s safe to say I am a self-proclaimed Food Network extraordinaire. Which means I’m here to guide you through all the things that Alex Guarnaschelli might say when you’re watching Chopped that make you smile and laugh through clenched teeth, even though you’re secretly saying “wtf?”
1. “It’s a little too acidic.”
Code for, “Next time life gives you lemons, please only use one of them in your dish.”
2. “I’ve prepared a shooter to go along with your meal.”
As in, not that shot of s****y vodka you took last weekend at a frat party. More like a shot-glass-sized cup of dressing or sauce to pour over the main dish. Disappointing, maybe, but also much more sophisticated than ingestible nail polish remover.
3. “I’ve made you an open-faced sandwich.”
Cutthroat Kitchen’s way of saying, “Someone f***ed up my plan to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich by swapping my bread for saltine crackers, so here’s a single piece of dough with an organic pureed nut spread and caramelized fruit compote on top.”
4. “I have for you a deconstructed chocolate cake.”
Think of what your cake looked like after your dog got into it that one time you weren’t looking at your 6th birthday party. Kinda looks like someone already took a bite out of it, kinda looks like a small explosion, kinda just looks like s***.
5. “Rustic”
Something you’ll never hear Ina Garten say. AKA: Deconstructed. AKA: Looks like s***.
6. “I’m making this the old-fashioned way.”
“The old-fashioned way” actually meaning “the Iron Chef way” circa 2005. If you’re not churning your butter with a wooden paddle and sheer willpower, then you’re probably not really doing it the old-fashioned way.
7. “I know exactly what I’m going to do with these ingredients.”
CC: [incomprehensible bullsh*t]
8. “I’m Italian.”
If you’re an Italian on the Food Network and you didn’t announce that you’re Italian, are you really even Italian? (Dear Giada, asking for a friend…) Code for, “Whatever dish I make for you will probably be about 3,500 calories, but I’m going to make sure everyone knows that I can make pasta better than Olive Garden.”
9. “You’re an idiot.”
Gordon Ramsay’s way of literally saying you’re an idiot. Sorry.
Luckily the Food Network doesn’t exist just to leave us feeling hopeless. In fact, it leaves the lot of us with two much more viable and (arguably) dignified options: Apply for Worst Cooks in America, or just really take Gordon’s advice to heart. Now that I think about it, Gordon’s probably got a lot more wisdom than we think anyway. Being a good cook is overrated. I’ll just stick with Poptarts. And maybe apply for Worst Cooks in America if I’m feeling motivated enough.
