There exists in the world a whole league of people who refuse to watch horror movies. Unlike the rest of you, we find absolutely zero enjoyment in witnessing the gory beheadings of a couple who was so naïve as to allow strangers to borrow their telephone, find no entertainment in the discovery of some tortured spirit intent on making a living hell out of the lives of a family who was unfortunate enough to have just purchased said ghost’s habitat.
This is more often than not because no matter how ridiculous and implausible the story, it will continue to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Not only will our minds keep us up that night with thoughts and reminders of how similar our rooms look to the one in the movie and how they were probably built around the same time so a ghost could totally be occupying ours too, but we will continue to experience major panic attacks even four years later when we happen to be home alone one night and have to keep every light on in the house lest the lunatic from that movie we watched a while back is still out there and tries to hide in the shadows of our house. No movie is worth that.
So, no matter how much you beg and plead, you will not break our resolve so you can stop wasting your breath. We’ve heard all these arguments before and here’s what we have to say.
1. Come on, everyone else is watching! The rest of us love horror movies!
Well, that’s good for you guys. I don’t really care if “everyone else” is watching. Unless “everyone else” wants stay up all night with me for the next few weeks and possibly ever because I’m never going to be able to sleep, it’s not happening.
2. This one’s not even that scary! I promise it’s not bad at all.
I really don’t believe you and also think that you are probably overestimating my tolerance of fear, which is zero by the way. I can guarantee you just the commercial for that movie scared me. The Halloween episodes of kids’ shows scare me. Zero means zero.
3. But it’s not even gory. You don’t actually see blood or anything.
Oh yeah, I forgot when I said that it was the actual blood I’m afraid of and not the whole scary plot leading up to this bloody death. If that were the issue, I’d just watch with a blindfold on, but thankfully I don’t go nuts every time I bleed from a paper cut. Just when fictional characters do after being physically and mentally tortured for an entire movie.
4. Oh don’t worry, it’s just about ghosts and other paranormal crap. None of it’s real.
I’m sorry, what does “based on a true story” mean to you?
5. How about this one? Nothing supernatural, it’s more like suspense.
That’s even worse! You’re just raising the probability of something in that movie happening to me. I don’t need to watch anything about some serial killer that kidnaps and murders women for sport. They are real, I am real, and that is a very real possibility that I do not enjoy being reminded of.
6. But it’s ok, it has a happy ending!
Oh, good, but that doesn’t erase the horrifying middle that it also happens to have. Not then from the film and not later from my mind.
7. Come on, it’s Halloween! We need to!
I don’t know in what Halloween handbook this rule is written, but horror movies are not a necessary holiday tradition. I will happily dress up in a creative costume, trick-or-treat, and get everything I want out of Halloween without one, including a stress-free, good night’s sleep.
8. Please! Be a good friend, I really want you to watch it with me.
I don’t know why. I promise you, you will hate me the entire time. I will not stop audibly begging the characters to run away and not follow that weird noise they hear coming from the basement or refrain from screaming like a maniac and digging my nails into your arm during basically every scene. And not just the scary ones, I mean all of them. They all have horror potential.
9. Why don’t you just face your fear? You have to get over it some time.
Thank you for the concern, but I very much disagree. I assure you that I can live a very long, happy, and fulfilled life without ever sitting down to watch a horror movie. It’s worked very well thus far so why try to fix something that isn't broken?
