In America, our childhood and adolescent social lives are normally created via our schools. The sports we played, choirs we sang in, clubs we signed up for, and later, the colleges we attended are also major factors in the friendships we developed. Friends were the people we bonded with in these environments; they were the people we chose to hang out with, call, and text after the game, the class, or the meeting. They were the ones we pulled all-nighters with, had our first drinks with, and shared the stories of our dating and sex lives with. They are the homies, squad, crew.

I just turned 25. When I was 22, I discovered that being in your twenties was about learning how to fly solo. I’ve learned. I know now what it’s like to have Friday night roll around and not know who to call or where to go. It’s strange, it’s uncomfortable, but I deal with it. I grew up in upstate New York, went to college in New Jersey, and now live in the Delaware Valley region; it’s true when they say you never know where life will take you. My life is one of diaspora--not only because I am black and my parents are immigrants, but because I have no roots. I’ve lived the life of a drifter, and the friends I’ve made throughout my life are literally scattered across America...and even the world.

The other day, I was listening to an inspirational speech. The speaker said something to the effect of, “If you want to know what your future looks like, look no further than your five closest friends.” I found this statement to be quite meaningful, but I didn’t quite know what to do when I wasn’t sure if I had five closest friends. So now, as a twentysomething, I find myself utterly confused about another aspect of adulthood: friendship.

Here are my questions:

1. Should my friends value me as much as I value them?

Is it problematic if I don’t know if my closest friends consider me to be their closest friends? Should I be hurt if the people on my top five list wouldn’t list me on their top five list?

2. Is my personality the reason I don’t have friends?

I’m like...an artsy nerd type. I like clever, intellectual humor, and talking about the nature of existence. I’m very introverted. Also, I’m vegan and have eclectic tastes in music and clothes. Maybe I’m too strange and awkward?

3. Is it where I live?

If you read number two, perhaps you’d say it would make sense for me to live in New York or California instead. I think where I currently live is blander than sugarless iced tea.

4. How much are my friends supposed to know about me before we can truly call each other ‘friend’?

There are people who I care deeply for who don’t know much about me… I just have an affinity for them…I like their vibe, it's just that we don’t know much about each other.

5. If I find myself bored and/or lonely on the weekends, does that mean I don’t have enough friends?

The honest question here would be, am I a loser? I will also admit that my kind of Friday night is a play, poetry night, a concert, or chill lounge; perhaps if I was into clubbing and drinking and drugs I would have more friends?

6. Should family take precedence over friendship?

People get a partner and seem to gradually disappear. Then, they utterly vanish if they have a baby. I may be speaking out of ignorance because I have not had a baby yet, but I think it takes a village to raise a child. My parents lived far away from most of my family and didn’t have friends, and I feel like I would have had a more vibrant and less lonely childhood if my parents introduced more people into my life. There must be a way for family and friends to come together in a more cohesive way.

7. Is it because I am not a part of a social structure that facilitates friendship?

I’m not in college anymore, and I haven’t been in work environment where I am surrounded by people within my age group, so perhaps my environment is to blame.

8. Is having a formless, ever-changing, and very small social circle just a part of adulthood?

Was I supposed to expect this? I see people who have friends that they’ve known since they were 4, or 8, or 13, and I’m like woah…how cool… it must be awesome to have friends in your life that hold so many years of memories with you. I have to admit I get semi-jealous.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do while I wait for life to answer these questions. I suspect, in true introverted millennial fashion, that I’ll be googling phrases like “how to make an impression on people,” or “how to maintain friendships” until I grow to understand the meaning of friendship in adulthood.

I would sincerely like to know your opinion: what are friendships to you, and what role do they play in your life? Do you find creating new friendships in adulthood more difficult than it was in childhood? Do you make an effort to make new friends, or do you focus on the friends you made when you were younger? Answer in the comment section below!