For anyone who has ever wondered if they're living in their own romantic comedy, here are eight signs you might be doomed to spend the rest of your days stumbling adorably and making weird bets about love and sex.
1. You're blonde and white.
All the best romcom leading ladies are blonde – Meg Ryan, Katherine Heigl, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon. If you aim to become a romcom protagonist, a good place to start is being white and dying your hair blonde, if it isn't already.
2. You're in a new place.
You're either a small town gal who just moved to the big city, or you're a city chick who's learning to rough it in the country. If neither of these are true, you're probably returning someplace from your youth that has a lot of emotional significance for the first time in years.
3. You only have two friends.
One is probably a slightly less hot, sassy alternative chick who has a tendency to loudly share her opinions about your sex life. The other is probably a gay, white guy who has very little depth of character other than that he's diverse. The alternate friendship scenario is that you have a straight white male friend who you've been in love with for years, possibly without realizing it, or who has been in love with you for years, also without you realizing it.
4. You're sometimes clumsy or ditzy.
This contributes to your delicate feminine nature and aids you in meeting men. Your ditziness is probably also the reason you haven't realized that someone is in love with you yet.
5. You have very strong feelings about true love.
Either you're disgustingly romantic and idealistic or you think love is a scam (but only because a man has broken your heart before) and that it's ruining the world. Either way, you'll fall deeply in love and go on to have an extraordinarily unhealthy relationship.
6. You're beautiful but neurotic.
Your anxious and meticulous nature sends men running despite your amazing, ridiculous, absurd good looks. They can't handle that you are a well-organized human. It seems that your adorable clumsiness was misleading. This is why you're still single at the ripe old age of 28, or some other similarly acceptable not-yet-30 age.
7. You're straight.
Look, it's not a romcom if the leads aren't both cisgender heterosexuals. Any romcom with queer leads is not, in fact, a romcom, and must be re-labeled as such and filed away in the pathetic "Gay and Lesbian" section on Netflix, to be watched almost exclusively by young teens beginning to question their sexuality.
8. You don't know what you want.
As a romcom lead, you need to be as indecisive as possible. Even on the rare occasions when you do make a decision, you fail to follow through on it, either because of a meek personality or a series of precise plot events designed specifically to prevent you from making any major life choices that would see you remain single. You are incapable of determining what is best for you and have no abilities in the realm of self-advocacy.
If at least four of these apply to you, you're probably in a romcom. The only escape is to start to get wrinkles, so that you can have a child and become the "Mom" character. Good luck.
