1. You clicked on it, didn't you?

You were scrolling through your newsfeed, you were bored, some friend of yours posted something that seemed like it might distract you from your responsibilities for a little bit, you clicked on it. Now you’re here. You did, in fact, click on it. Thanks for helping me make my point!

2. I went out and told you that this article is, in fact, clickbait.

I wasn’t screwing with you. This is actually clickbait. The title is not deceptive in any shape, way, or form. Like, if you’re waiting for me to pull some “gotcha” moment, it ain’t gonna happen. Dead serious.

3. The image at the top is a stock photo.

As in, I Googled “mouse click” and chose the first image that came up. This is the kind of effort that went into this article.

4. There’s little to no point in this article.

I wrote this article because I’ve been a bit busy and didn’t have time to develop anything profound. You’re probably getting a good chuckles out of this, but like not much else. If you want to read this as some commentary on the meaninglessness of the entertainment industry, bully for you! Just remember, friends, I’m not Theodor Adorno; I’m not that smart, and I’m not that indecipherable.

5. Yet you’re still reading it...

You’re obviously bored enough that you’ve gotten to the fifth bullet point without giving up. I have to say, that’s impressive. I don’t know what you’re trying to avoid right now, but damn are you desperate. I suppose that this has got to be some solid clickbait, considering I’ve kept you entertained this long.

6. ...and I’m still writing it.

Am I that sold out as a writer that I’m tapping out a clickbait article about why the article that I’m writing is clickbait just to meet some sort of quota? I can guarantee you, eight-year-old me is seriously disappointed in nineteen-year-old me right now. Or maybe he’s just impressed that nineteen-year-old me writes articles that are actually published on the actual internet where actual people actually read them.

Fourteen-year-old me probably loves this. Not only is nineteen-year-old me published, but he’s still fighting the system. Fourteen-year-old me probably thinks this is the most awesomely meta thing ever. Nineteen-year-old me is actively disappointed in himself.

7. Maybe Adorno was right.

If anything demonstrates meaningless entertainment, it’s reading clickbait on the toilet while avoiding life’s difficulties. Or, possibly even worse, writing clickbait instead of doing the assignments that are due tomorrow.

8. The clicking only continues.

You’re probably going to read this no more than once. I, on the other hand, will go back and read this again and again just to agonize why I bore forth a piece so meaningless just for the sake of a quota and some cheap chuckles. I’l also click and refresh, click and refresh, again and again, desperately watching my pageview count. Ladies and gentlemen, the American writer--21st century edition. I’m so glad Melville can’t see me now.