74 One-Liners That Will Make You Laugh Your Head Off

74 One-Liners That Will Make You Laugh Your Head Off

Very punny!

Priscilla Du Preez

I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Let's just get started with the pun! (Get it? fun.. pun?)

1. I bought some shoes from a drug-dealer; I don't know what he did to the laces because I was trippin!

2. What do you call a sleep walking nun? A ROMAN CATHOLIC!

3. I drink so much tea that if I were a dinosaur I'd be a tea-rex!

4. What dog keeps the best time? A WATCH DOG!

5. What kind of apples do professors in New York get? A BIG APPLE!

6. What did the football coach say to the broken machine? GIVE ME MY QUARTERBACK!

7. Why did the bicycle fall over? IT WAS TWO TIRED!

8. What do you call an alligator in a vest? AN INVESTIGATOR!

9. Why do the cows have hooves instead of feet? BECAUSE THEY LACTOSE!

10. Yesterday I almost drowned in the pool; the experience was breathtaking!

11. You can either act like an adult orchid.

12. What did the satisfied customer say to the server at a tea room? THIS IS MY CUP OF TEA!

13. These jokes are spinning out of control!

14. My favorite football game is by far the "Sugar Bowl."

15. You know what other bowl is great? A TOILET BOWL!

16. Which program do Jedi use? ADOBE WAN KENOBI!

17. Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? TO GET TO THE DARK SIDE!

18. Why is Yoda so good are gardening? HE HAS A GREEN THUMB!

19. What do lawyers wear to court? A LAWSUIT!

20. What do you call a fake noodle? AN IMPASTA!

21. What do you call someone who doesn't like to poop in public? A PRIVATE TUTOR!

22. What did the Mexican fireman name his two twins? HOSE A AND HOSE B

23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

24. Why did Mozart kill his chicken? BECAUSE IT KEPT SAYING BACH BACH BACH!

25. I decided to see my vacuum. It was gathering dust.

26. What did the Jedi say to the sheep? MAY THE FORCE BE WITH EWE!

27. What is it called when Batman leaves church early? CHRISTIAN BALE!

28. The rodent club finished drafting a constitution, but it ha yet to be ratified.

29. I gave my old batteries away... free of charge!

30. You can't run through a campground because you can only ran; it's past tents!

31. Once I offered a teddy bear dinner; he said, "No thanks. I'm stuffed!"

32. A man got hit in the head with a can of coke, but he was alright: it was a soft drink!

33. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? HE WOKE UP!

34. A book fell on my head, but I guess I can only blame my shelf!

35. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? IT'S VERY TIME CONSUMING!

36. Why do people say "break a leg" before going on stage? BECAUSE EVERY PLAY HAS A CAST!

37. Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to MUFASA!

38. I wasn't able to make reservations at the library; they're completely booked!


40. Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera!

41. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? BECAUSE IF THEY FLEW OVER THE BAY THEY WOULD BE CALL BAGELS!

42. Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

43. What do you call dental x-rays? TOOTH PICS!

44. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? IT GETS TOAD AWAY!

45. What did the frog's wife say to her husband? I TOAD YOU SO!

46. What washes up on very small beaches? MICROWAVES!

47. Why was it called the "Dark Ages?" THERE WERE TOO MANY KNIGHTS!

48. What do you call a cow with no legs? GROUND BEEF!

49. What do you call a fat psychic? A FOUR CHIN TELLER!

50. Why won't Han Solo eat certain meat? IT'S CHEWIE!

51. I used to be a banker, but I lot interest.

52. Why will oysters not give to charity? THEY'RE SHELLFISH!

53. What do you call a pig that does karate? A PORK CHOP!

54. Why did "Star Wars" episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3? BECAUSE IN CHARGE OF SCHEDULING YODA WAS!

55. What do you call a belt of watches? A WASTE OF TIME!

56. How does the train eat? IT GOES CHEW CHEW!

57. My friend's bakery business burned down last night. Now his business is toast!

58. How many stars did the Mexican restaurant get? ONLY JUAN!

59. What language does the stomach speak? HUNGARIAN!

60. Which state has the smallest soft drinks? MINISODA!

61. I had some chocolate cake the other day, and it was as rich as Donald Trump!

62. I've recently gained a little weight. DONUT MAKE FUN OF ME!

63. I had cheese, but NO crackers; it was cracka-lackin!

64. How did I escape from Iraq? IRAN!

65. Why didn't they play cards on Noah's Ark? BECAUSE NOAH SAT ON THE DECK!

66. How can a room full of couples be empty? THERE ISN'T A SINGLE PERSON THERE!

67. What three keys can't open locks? MONKEYS, DONKEYS, AND TURKEYS!

68. What did the hot dog say to the hamburger? I'M JUST SO DOG-GONE GOOD!


70. PUMA.

71. KOALA.



74. I'll ketchup with you later!

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