As you know, college can be hard. College can be really hard. You have no idea where your next dollar is going to come from, you have wake up by yourself without the help of mom and dad, you have this awful thing called homework, and more problematic than all of those combined, you have to pick a major. The single most important decision of your entire life has to be made fresh out of high school. Like we all know what we want to do with the next 40 years of our existence. Here are things that we college students a little too good at and should consider them major worthy.
Public Humiliation
From the very first day you walk on campus, someone is watching you, even if you think no one is around, someone will see everything. There is always someone around. So when you drop your keys attached to the lanyard that you normally wear around your neck, while wearing those see-through leggings that you should have thrown out a year ago, yep someone saw your vibrant underwear choice of the day… and yes they talked about it. Tripped on absolutely nothing? Yep! Saw that too. Dropped your plate on the way to your table in the cafeteria? Totally saw that! Applauded you for that too. The art of public humiliation is rolling with the punches. By week two, you’ll have it down. Smile and wave folks, smile and wave!
Napping
Okay now, if you’re reading this and telling yourself that this doesn’t apply to you, you are lying to yourself! Naps are gold and you know it! College is the only place that it becomes acceptable to set an alarm for 12 minutes from now for a nap. Yes that is enough to fall asleep.
Now lets talk about the two hour gap between classes, lets call this the nap gap. Ninety-nine percent of the time that will consist of an hour and fifty minutes of sleeping. I promise. Yes, naps are that popular. Don’t believe me? Let me put this in perspective. Nap or homework? Which one are you going to choose? Yep, that’s what I thought. Napping will not exist after you graduate so bask in the beauty of them while you can.
Time Management
You are warned, and warned, and warned about the amount of time management it takes to succeed in college right? Well, if you haven’t you will learn very quickly. You will learn just how many minutes you can wait until you absolutely have to rush through your homework to submit it before that 11:55 deadline. Don’t forget the amount of time you must wait due to the wifi being down or my(insert university name here) not responding. These are the things that add excitement. These living-on-the-edge moments are what we live for right? Like who doesn’t want to sweat turning in a homework assignment that’s worth 30% of your grade that you did in four and half minutes flat? These are the perks of the phenomenal time management skills practiced by most college kids.
Even better scenario. You learn just how many minutes it takes you to get out of bed, clothe yourself, and make it to class before lecture begins. You will get this down to a science, I swear. 8 a.m.? Alarm is set for 7:56 giving you exactly the right amount of time. Fool proof time management skills people. Fool proof.
Excuses
Okay newbies, if you have no idea how to make up a good excuse, you will be a pro by month two, no doubt. Stayed out too late “socializing” with your “study group”(because it’s not acceptable to your parents that you went to a party in the middle of a school week)? Simple fix, email your professor, tell them that you spent all night studying but got really sick in the middle of the night and you will drop the assignment by their office later that day. Gives you a couple hours to actually do your assignment, sleep in, and gives you time to stop smelling like a walking brewery. Have a test you didn’t study for? Easy! Go to the nursed, tell him that you had a fever a couple hours ago(throw out a random temperature over 99.9), inform him that you took a fever reducer and that’s why it’s gone now, and you will be excused from class. Ta-Da! You now get time to study. And sleep. Mainly just sleep.
A couple great excuses for your well-being: doctor’s appointment, out of town, couldn’t get off work, flat tire, car wouldn’t start, alarm didn’t go off, weather, and the oh-so-classic, I have to go home for some family issue (those issues being the fact that you are, indeed, homesick…or just want a home-cooked meal).
Penny Pinching
Penny pinching is a serious art. It works like this. How much money can I spend on alcohol and still have a couple dollars left to put in my gas tank to barely make it to my driveway at home? This is really tricky because, well you can’t down on the alcohol because that is just wrong.
Or, you could look at it this way. Take the amount of money currently available to you, add in your refund that you have yet to receive, and find a place for every last dollar to be spent. It actually takes talent to be this broke. I mean finding a place for every last penny is truly an art form. It brings a whole new meaning to broke college kids.
Walk of Shame
Everyone knows what this is. If you don’t ask a friend that won’t hold it against you for the rest of your life. The walk of shame can go one of two ways. One, you can totally own it. You can strut your stuff in last night’s clothes, smudged make-up, witch-like hair that screams this is the ultimate walk of shame. But who cares! Strut your stuff right past the church crowd exiting the church Sunday morning, past the herd of students waiting outside the cafeteria for brunch, and more taunting, past all of your roommates. They will give you the eyes at first, but then the questions will start firing, just smile and don’t tell them anything! Just keep on strutting.
Two, head down, hide your face! If you leave your hair down, you can hide your face better. Walk fast, whatever you do, do not stop to talk to anyone. They will know that you are currently on a walk of shame. Just run and hide. That is all you can do.
Keeping Up That Crisp, Clean Collegiate Look
College is the only place that you can put on a hat, wear leggings as pants, and no make-up at the same time and look completely acceptable. It becomes such a trend, that once you graduate, you have to be re-introduced as to what functioning people of society wear.
But don’t let this fool you because you may rock the collegiate look during the week, but once Friday night hits, cute clothes, make-up, and curled hair all get thrown into the mix. Yep that’s right, bum to supermodel in 60 minutes. It really is like night and day. Bum to supermodel all in one day.
