1. Food

Let’s say a relative you only see once a year and who you have unfollowed on Facebook starts speaking up about say…Obama’s birth certificate. This is a good time to "ooo" and "aaa" about the food you’re stuffing into your mouth to stop yourself from calling out some pretty harsh racist comments coming from said relatives end of the table. Bonus, if you talk about how good the food is with your mouth filled with food they will be too distracted by the mass of mashed potatoes and turkey in your gaping mouth. You’re just trying not to start a feud at the family table, you want your mom to be happy even though you probably embarrassed her!

2. The Near-Genocide and Oppression of Indigenous People

Okay so a different relative, who you have also unfollowed on Facebook, picks up the topic of immigration after you have successfully shut down the birth certificate conversation. They say they hope that Trump and congress will crack down on immigration and stop all the immigrants from coming to this country. By now you have swallowed the mass of food and your spare your mom an apologetic glance before saying that the Native American’s probably wished they had built a giant wall before immigrants came, sucked up all the resources, and murdered them. Congratulations, you screwed up and made an awkward chewing silence fall over the room. You can’t go back. You made people think of sad things on a happy day. How dare you.

3. Religion

Luckily, someone distracts by talking about food again and asks where the recipe for the rolls came from. But this turns the conversation to religion because the person that made the rolls got the recipe from someone at their church! You don’t practice or believe in the religion that most your family believes in but it’s no big deal because you’re a firm believer in religious freedom…you listen in silence as you stuff some turkey, gravy, stuffing, and mashed potatoes into one of those home-made rolls and eat.

4. The Living-in-Sinners

You think you’re okay and in the clear when someone brings up a story about someone’s child in their congregation who just left the church and is living with someone of the same gender. Then someone else brings up another person whose child just dyed their hair completely blue and got some tattoos. The table is full of gasps and you're glad you wore a long sleeve shirt to cover up your tattoos. You keep the mantra “this is for mom” in your head as you try to control yourself. But then they start talking about that boy down the street who wants to be a girl and you must excuse yourself.

5. Thankfulness

When you get back from the bathroom you are thankful that the topic has changed and everyone is going around the table and giving speeches about what they are thankful for. A lot of people are crying because they are just so damn thankful. You already have yours planned, it’s going to be super tasteful and classy.

But someone a few people down from you starts saying how grateful they are that their children turned out so “normal” unlike some other people’s children. Their children sitting near them look grateful but slightly uncomfortable at the comment. You have gravy trailing slightly down your chin. After you swallow another mouthful of your food it’s your turn and you can’t help but turn it around and say how grateful you are that your mother never tried to control your life and has always been a great listener who has never judged you. Success, you made your mother tear-up with happiness and so she didn’t notice that you were throwing some heavy shade.

7. Memes...

Well, you can’t fail here. You should probably be prepared with a few dozen of your favorite memes either in hard copy or on your cellphone. I recommend hard copies because everyone will realize how weird your rare and they will never try to talk to you again.