As a South Jersey native, summertime to me has always meant "beach." Before I turned 17, I couldn't wait to get my license so I could pack all my friends into my Jetta and head to Ocean City or Sea Isle. I make it my mission to spend as much time as possible soaking up the sun at the beach. Mac and Manco's, Kohr's Brothers and Uncle Bill's are staples of my childhood. Yet, there is one thing that ruins this for me and many other South Jerseyans, particularly around Memorial Day and the 4th of July, and that is shoobies. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, shoobies are out of staters, usually from Pennsylvania, who caravan to the beach for a week in their minivans stuffed to the brim with completely unnecessary beach paraphernalia. Just imagine that fat dad with white sunscreen on his nose who wears socks with his sandals. That is the epitome of a shoobie. And to all the shoobies out there: we hate you. We really do. Here are a few reasons why shoobies are disliked by the entire beach-loving population of South Jersey.
1. Shoobies can't drive.
It's an undeniable fact of nature. I know if I see a Pennsylvania license plate in front of me, I will more than likely be stuck behind a person who drives 10 miles under the speed limit and slams on their breaks every time a pedestrian even considers possibly crossing the street. Shoobies will brake unexpectedly right in front of you to take 10 minutes to try to squeeze their minivan into that parallel spot before realizing it's a no parking zone.
2. They feed the seagulls.
First of all, South Jersey seagulls are not like any other seagulls. South Jersey seagulls are aggressive as hell. These are the kind of seagulls that will blatantly swoop down and attempt to grab a hot dog right from your hand. They'll crush your soul and ruin your dreams. Yet shoobies love to feed these rats-with-wings. They think, "Oh, it's just one fry." No. With these birds, one french fry attracts the flock and pretty soon you'll have the King Seagull challenging you to a fight if you don't give up your whole meal. So please, for the love of God, just don't feed them.
3. They leave trash on the beach.
We don't come to your house and throw trash everywhere. But time and time again, shoobies come trash our home. I know your mother taught you how to clean up after yourself. It's not that hard.
4. They look entirely out of place.
How to spot a shoobie: socks and sandals, "Ocean City" printed T-shirt, fanny pack (I don't care how convenient they are), SPF 100 sunscreen, three different coolers holding all of their bagged lunches and enough equipment to lead a safari expedition.
5. They bring tents.
Shoobies love coming to the beach, pitching huge, unnecessary tents and spending the whole time trying to hide from the sun. Because sun isn't the whole point of going to the beach or anything.
6. They cause insane traffic
Nothing like sitting in hours of traffic surrounded by Pennsylvania license plates to go to a place it would normally take you 30 minutes or less to get to.
7. They don't adhere to the rules of the ocean
The only and most important rule of the ocean: stay the f--k away from me. Give me my personal space. Please keep your kid with the boogie board away from me. Don't accidentally body surf into my legs. Know your place.
Or, to make things easier for all of us, just stay in Pennsylvania.
