Everyone knows the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These are the conventional stages of grief. But anyone who has ever gone through losing someone knows that grief doesn't always follow these neat and tidy steps. It can be a whole lot messier than that.
1. Call
You get the call that the person has passed away. For me this time, it came in the form of an old friend. The kind you text and always say you'll catch up with to get lunch, but never quite make it. You have the best of intentions to, but you never quite make the phone call. When their name lights up your phone, you know something is wrong. You answer to hear their tear-choked voice and know deep down that something is wrong.
2. Shock
You hear their name followed by the word dead, or passed away, or is gone, or some other flowery way of saying that you won't see them again. Your jaw drops and the person on the other end probably calls your name a couple times to see if you're still there. They get a nod in response until you can catch your breath to say "yes." You make polite small talk and tell them to call if they need anything so that you can hang up the phone, but not before telling them you love them.
3. Montage
Like a movie, you see all of your memories with that person in front of you on repeat for the next few hours. The good times. The times that they made you laugh until you cried, and comforted you when you felt like crying. You think of their family, of their friends, of all the people's lives they have touched.
4. Cry
And you cry. You cry because they aren't there to cheer you up. You cry because you won't get to see them again. You cry because you don't get to call them and tell them about your day. You cry because you won't hear their laugh. You cry because the montage won't stop. You cry because you don't want the montage to stop.
5. Speak
You have to talk about it. You talk about how they died. You talk about the memories. About what they meant to you, the last time you saw them, the good memories, the times they were there when no one else was. You reminisce with friends, you tell people who didn't know them because then you can tell the story from the very beginning. You won't stop talking, and when you do, you'll still come up with random things throughout the rest of the week.
6. Memorize
You play their laugh in your head over and over again in an effort to remember it forever. You try to remember every thing that you can about them because forgetting is the worst possible thing you can imagine.
7. Cope
They say that time heals all wounds, but I don't really know if that's true. One day you'll realize that you haven't thought of them at all that day. But what no one tells you is that you won't feel a sense of relief when that day comes. You'll feel guilt. You'll feel guilty that you didn't think of them that day, and it'll all come rushing back to you. I don't think it gets easier, I think you just learn to cope and deal with the pain.
