After my most recent article, I decided to make a list of lessons that I have learned from ending relationships, both platonic and romantic, because every relationship is a learning experience. While I am still learning, I think that these lessons have allowed me to form fantastic and worthwhile relationships that I really do hope continue without an end.
1. Ending a relationship is not the end of a friendship.
When I was in high school, my first real boyfriend and I broke up because I began to have feelings for someone else. I ended it horribly, but after some time, my ex-boyfriend and I actually became pretty good friends. He took me to prom when no one else would, and because of our past history, I knew any criticism that came from him was honest and had only the best intent. Although we no longer dated, I acknowledged the goodness that was in this one individual. While we may not have meshed very well as romantic partners, we had a fantastic and silly friendship that I continue to cherish even today.
2. However, sometimes people don’t want to be friends after a break-up, and that’s okay.
I learned this lesson the hard way. After breaking up with an ex-boyfriend, I tried to establish friendly relations but to no avail. At first I took this rejection personally, why wouldn’t he want to be my friend? I’m an awesome person, right? Sadly, sometimes people are simply not meant to be in each other’s lives. Instead of wallowing over this, I remembered some advice that a high school friend once told me: “Some things are out of your control. Let it go. It is the natural progression of life. Some people are meant to be with us for one phase of our lives. Respect it. Cherish it. Close the book and pick up where you left off—positively.”
3. Friends can be one of the greatest support systems after ending a relationship.
I was a hot mess when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, and because we ended our relationship during a break from school, I was completely alone. I refused to go home for break because I simply did want to be around people. However, my friends provided more emotional support than I could have ever asked for. My best friend sent flowers to me when she was home in Montana. I received daily phone calls and text messages from another best friend who just wanted to be sure I was okay. Another drove back to school and just hugged me when I cried. Even though I lost one love, I received an endless amount of love and support from my friends.
4. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.
Ending a relationship is especially tough if you regularly see that person. When a friend and I began to part ways, every interaction we had was unbelievably awkward. We would see each other during passing periods, in the library or at the campus coffee shop, at parties, at philanthropy events, etc., and every encounter would begin with a cordially forced conversation that ended with, “So…yeah.” Both of us made our run-ins awkward because we did not know what to actually say. Two years later, I make it a point to say hello and ask how she is, but I do not go much further than that. I have learned that when I am nice and polite, awkwardness is easily avoided.
5. Compassion is necessary.
Once again, I learned this lesson the hard way. I broke up with an ex-boyfriend during an incredibly low point in his life. I knew that our breakup would be difficult for him, but I just did not care. My needs and happiness took precedence over how ending our relationship would affect him. Although I acknowledge that staying with someone simply to make him or her happy is a definite no-no, I know that I could have been nicer when breaking up. I was harsh and used malicious language without thinking about the long-term ramifications of my insults. I was mean and uncaring, but I now know that every ending needs compassion in both words and actions.
6. But sometimes, being harsh is also necessary.
My last high school relationship ended after my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. However, being the dumb-dumb that I was, he and I continued a weird fling of sorts for almost two years after. Whenever he and the girl he cheated on me with were on the rocks, he ran back to me and I readily accepted him just to spite their relationship. Eventually, I learned a little bit about self respect and respect for others, and finally stopped acting like a dirty doormat. He and I last met up almost a year and a half ago to which my parting words were, “F*** you.” Harsh and to the point, I learned that I did not have to be nice to someone who belittled me.
7. I am allowed to want good things for myself.
This lesson became especially relevant after receiving backlash from ending an incredibly long friendship. People asked me why I did not want to be friends with So-And-So anymore, or how I could just let a friendship like that go to waste after so many years. Despite the multitude of opinions, I realized that yes, my decision to end this friendship was because I wanted something better, and that was okay. The friendship was unhealthy and one-sided, and nobody had any right to guilt trip me into anything less than what I wanted.
In the grander scheme though, this lesson has proved the most important. Ending a relationship, whether it is a friendship or romantic relationship, will result in someone’s feelings being hurt. However, this ending is for a reason, and in every single parting, this reason has been because I wanted something more. I am allowed to want good things for myself, and as long as I do not step on people, maliciously hurt people, or use shady tactics to attain this goodness; then ending a relationship is completely justified.
