6 Things I Wish I Learned In School

This weekend, after four years of work, I have finally graduated from college. Although I am glad that I attended college, I've already started learning things that I wish someone had told me before I'd gotten done. My hope is that you reading this are a college student yourself and I can spare you the surprise of finding this out on your own when you get through college or drop out or whatever.

1. Ted Cruz might be the Zodiac Killer.

Here's something I really wish someone had taught me in college. I mean I learned a lot of important skills about how to perform the job I would like to get after graduation, however, I was never taught that America might have elected a possible serial killer to the office of president! Good thing he lost to Donald Trump. Bullet. Dodged.

2. Katy Perry is really JonBenet Ramsey.

Man, college sure did waste my time with a lot of general education classes. Math, science, psychology, why do I need to know any of these things? I think we should've had a class on current events. See, I actually told someone that JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her parents home at the age of six. Imagine how uninformed I felt when I was told Ramsey was actually fine, and had grown up in secret to become pop icon Katy Perry.

3. JFK was killed by LBJ, George H.W. Bush and the CIA.

This one really threw me for a loop. John F. Kennedy is my favorite POTUS (Barack is definitely a close second), and even I didn't know this one. See in all my history courses they just told us Kennedy had been killed by Lee Harvey Oswald. In fact that theory is so popular it often leads people to draw comparisons between Lincoln and Kennedy. However, it turns out JFK was actually killed by the U.S. government as part of a very long plot that I can't really explain here, because I have another fact to share with you.

4. Evolution? Yeah, that's not real.

Now school has been dropping the ball on this one for years. I've been taught evolution since I was in middle school. Then again in high school, and of course also in college. Now I graduate and a few quick Google searches teaches me what years of school never could. Evolution isn't real! Like what? Totally blew me away. I can't believe my professors never checked their sources before telling us this one is real.

5. Aliens built the pyramids.

Here's another one I've had wrong for years! I understand that in grade school, kids are learned a very stripped-down version of history. I mean, learning Columbus murdered and enslaved Native peoples is much less fun than that rhyme about when he came to North America. The same goes for this, aliens building the pyramids is scary to imagine for a child. However, in college I think it's time to let us know that this isn't the truth. In real life, extraterrestrials built the pyramids. I learned this watching the History Channel, and that couldn't lie, could it?

6. Tupac, Elvis and Michael Jackson are alive.

I was so sad when I found out all of these musicians had passed away. They were all legends in their respective fields of music. However, it turns out there was nothing for me to be sad about! All three of these superstars really just faked their deaths and are perfectly fine right now. I know it's not really something that should be covered by a college course, but you'd still think that at least one of my instructors would have mentioned this to me before graduating.