Now I'm sure at one point or another everyone has fantasized about being famous. I know for me, as a writer, it would be a huge asset, because I could crap out any dumb book and people would buy it due to the fact that I'm a celebrity. But how does one become famous? It's can be a hard thing to achieve. Sure, some celebrities are genuinely talented and deserve their success, however, there are always a few that leave us scratching out heads saying, "why is this person famous?" It's hard to grasp why some people become famous over others, but here's a list of surefire ways to make sure you become famous in America.
1. Kill someone famous.
That handsome man right there is Lee Harvey Oswald. A name you would never know if it wasn't for the fact that he shot John F. Kennedy. Well, most likely. Since the assassination Oswald has been depicted in over 50 TV shows and movies. That's so many! Think about it, wouldn't you want to be so well known that people keep playing you on TV and movies? And it's not just Oswald either, John Wilkes Booth also has a pretty impressive IMDB page. Of course you always run the risk of being a Mark David Chapman and nobody remembering your name, but people do still refer to him as "the dude who shot John Lennon," so that's something.
2. Kill a lot of people.
Then there are Eric David Harris and Dylan Bennet Klebold (wow, what is it with people who go by all three names?). Now you might not know them by name, but you sure as hell know about the Columbine High School massacre. Well, those are the guys that did it. Sure they might not be famous by name, but everyone knows about them and what they did. Not to mention they were extremely effective trendsetters. The trick with this kind of fame, since people probably won't remember your name, is to pick a cool sounding school to shoot up. Columbine sounds pretty cool, but Sandy Hook? Not so much.
3. Be a domestic terrorist.
That is an actual cover of Rolling Stone magazine. And that rakishly handsome man on the cover? Well, that's the guy who set off a bomb at the Boston Marathon. Quick question, did the guys who did 9/11 get on the cover of a magazine? No, they did not. That's because they weren't living here, so it didn't hit as close to home. This was a kid that was living in America that became radicalized, that was insane! So if you have no discernible talent but really want to see your face on a magazine, this is an option for you. Just make sure you run faster than your loser brother.
4. Kill a lot of people in a weird way.
Aw man, Jeffrey D., the Milwaukee Cannibal himself. This guy is one of the greats in terms of awful awful people. He's up there with the likes of H.H. Holmes, John Wayne Gacy (three names again), and Jack the Ripper. See, these guys didn't just kill a lot of people, they did it in a strange way that made them stand out. Jeffrey Dahmer for example engaged in necrophilia with the bodies of his victims as well as eating them. If that's not some commitment to fame I don't know what is. It just goes to show, if you want to be famous you have to do something unique that stands out and gets people's attention.
5. Have sex with kids.
You know there was a time when we could look at that leering, milk-stained face and all we thought about how eating a foot of junk food would somehow make us lose weight. Now all we think of when we see Jared Fogle is, "yeah, I could totally see him doing that." Another great example of this is Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant football coach at Penn State. Now this one works more if you're already a little bit famous before you do it. I'm sure some people knew who Jerry Sandusky was before, but after we knew he was molesting a bunch of kids everyone knew his name. For Jared, the whole molesting kids thing was a total comeback! He hadn't been in many Subway commercials, probably because of that hi-larious pilgrim, am I right? So how did Jared take back the spotlight? Well with a whole bunch of child porn and molestation. Take that, pilgrim.
6. Be good at sports...then rape someone.
Go ahead and try to name an All-American swimmer who didn't go to the Olympics. Apart from a select few of you, I'm guessing most of you could only think of the name Brock Turner. But you're not thinking about Brock because he was a great swimmer, you're thinking about him because he raped someone, and also happened to be a great swimmer. See Brock learned what most people know, nobody cares even a little bit about being good at swimming, unless you're Michael Phelps, then people care once every four years. So Brock decided to make a name for himself by committing one of the most horrendous crimes known to man, and then getting his dad to try and convince us that he's a good guy. Congrats Brock, you're famous, and even though you're only in jail for six months, nobody is ever going to forget who or what you are.
