Last weekend, I ran a half marathon. Though that sounds like a humble brag, the feat is significantly less impressive when you learn I finished behind an elderly couple walking and holding hands. Anyway, the half itself is not the point. The point is that weather gods decided a torrential downpour was a wonderful way to start the day. Thus, I ran the first six miles in a trash bag. It stopped raining after mile three, but I was too intimidated/focused/comfortable to take it off. While running in this trash bag, I had some thoughts.
Here are the 10 Thoughts I Had While Running 6 Miles in a Trash Bag:
1. I never thought my life would come to this.
Yet, here I am, running in a trash bag. When I pictured this moment four months ago, the sun was shining, the tank was clean and I was dressed as a lean, mean, running machine. Now, however, I look like Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl 50 half-time show, if Bruno Mars was a drenched Golden Retriever standing in a puddle at the starting line of a half marathon.
2. I paid for this.
I paid, like, $80 for this. This is a decision I made. Nobody is forcing me to participate—I could very easily abandon this endeavor. There is no need for me to be running right now. Why am I running right now? Why am I still running after thinking “Why am I running right now?”
3. OK, this isn’t that bad.
It’s just a little bit of rain—a slight drizzle, if you will. I’m actually quite warm. I am very happy to be in this trash bag. This is my trash bag. Maybe I should just punch out some armholes and commit.
4. I'm embarrassed
Those seagulls are definitely making fun of me. How is the human body so feeble as to not be able to comfortably withstand an hour of moderate rainfall? Do animals in the rainforest need trash bags to carry on with their days? Would a fluffy lil’ bunny rabbit stop running from a hawk in the rain if there weren’t any trash bags in sight? We humans are weak. I, human, am weak.
5. Everybody should wear trash bags.
A trash bag is the perfect outfit. It's a cheap, one-size fits all, easy-to-find, buy-in-bulk, recyclable, little, black dress. Let's be real, Hefty is the new Versace.
6. Why do people buy ponchos?
There are so many people running around in ponchos right now. A trash bag does the exact same thing but looks less stupid because it’s clearly a temporary solution to a predictable problem. Just buy a raincoat. I bought ponchos in Disney World once. They cost $28 a pop. Well, I didn’t buy it. My parents did. What a waste of money. If you’re ever in a pinch, just go into the bathroom, lift up the bag in use and nick a new one from the bottom. If you’re feeling guilty, leave a dollar or two or five. Honestly, you could leave twenty and still be saving money.
7. I am trash.
I am in this bag because I am literally trash. This must be what trash feels like. I am running so slowly in comparison to everybody else. That man just passed me with a stroller, in a poncho. This trash bag is the most fitting attire I have ever worn. A garbagey dress for a garbagey human. I know this is where I belong.
8. Trash bags.
Stash brags. Grabs stash. Tags h’bras. Has brats, G.
9. This is how it ends.
I will end my life in a bag like this. Our lives all end in a bags like these. I am currently running against fate. Am I more than this bag? The water droplets cannot permeate these fine fibers of plastic. Does time really permeate my existence? Does my existence even exist? Is our universe composed of decay in plastic bags? I must accept a lesser permanence than the plastic wrapped 'round my mortal flesh.
10. I think it’s time to…trash this.
Now you know.
