Dear Reader,
You are not alone.
This isn't a sermon about the cosmos or even about finding your inner Buddha or aligning your chakras. It isn't me preaching about why you should delve into nature on a self-exploration mission (although, I'm not saying that isn't a great idea). This is just me openly stating that I am with you and that I am currently realizing I need to find peace for myself.
My childhood growing up was neither ideal nor normal. I lived through and witnessed things that typically would never be bestowed upon a kid, and for the majority of my adolescence I didn't stop to understand what I was going through wasn't normal. I sort of just balled it all up, threw it into a bag and slung it over my shoulder while I carried on with the rest of my life. Because I never fully addressed my problems, I was never truly able to receive any closure which at the time I didn't know I needed so badly.
I'm now approaching my sophomore year of college and that bag is exploding. I think that part of the reason is the fact that I am on my own so much more now, and that independence has opened up a whole new realm of myself that I didn't know existed. It is both terrifying and thrilling, exploring the world as a new person. It seems almost daily that I discover new music that I would have never before listened to, I try new foods that used to repulse me or I begin conversations with people who I would previously never look in the eyes. These are the moments that I enjoy, because they usually end with new favorite meals or amazing memories.
On the other side of this self-exploration is the realization that I have the weight of my past on my shoulders. These are the scarier moments, when I hear ambulance sirens wailing in the distance and my whole body freezes or when I hear a couple arguing in the hallways and I am transported back to my old home and I instinctively reach for my phone to call for help. A couple months ago these situations would leave me shaken and confused, wondering why two strangers fighting could leave me paralyzed. I spent a long time trying to find the reason, but I instinctively skipped over the option that what I had pushed as far back into my head as could go, might also be my answer.
I'm not quite sure when this realization happened, but I am so beyond grateful that it finally did. Now that I understand why I am being triggered, I am able to control how I react to the situation. When a memory finds its way into my dreams, instead of waking up immobile and petrified I can now talk myself into calming down accepting the situation as something in the past. I can now begin to understand that the moment can no longer hurt me.
It is in no means easy, I still struggle on a day-to-day basis with trying to decipher what exact part of me I am struggling with at the moment, but it is getting easier. Part of my healing process is being able to let go. Instead of carrying all the weight of what I am trying to avoid, I now pull out each piece one by one, and acknowledge that I am choosing to no longer let it harm me. I am choosing to overcome what has for so long before this held me down.
As I said, I am still currently struggling with being able to find that 'inner peace' of mine, and as I continue to search myself, I hope that you will be able to do the same. I hope that you can figure out the things in your life that are holding you down, and that you will finally be able to let them go and set yourself free from their hold.
