I lost my 18-year-old sister last March. Being in college while that happened was a very hard thing. I mean, I got to travel home to be with her for her last days, but we didn’t know when that would be. Also, I had to go back to school just a few days after the funeral and make up my schoolwork in synchronization with my own grieving and the grieving of my family back home. While I was struggling, I had a great support system that I don’t know where I would be without. Death makes people uncomfortable, so it may be difficult to know what to say during the first few months. Everyone grieves differently, but to be a good friend during this rough time, here are some things you can do:

1. Don’t pry: When someone is grieving they are constantly thinking about the person they lost, or the family they left at home. Concentration may be difficult, so during the slim times they aren’t thinking about their sadness, don’t pry things out of them.
2. Don’t pity them: I know you want to help when someone is upset, but that doesn’t have to be the topic of every conversation. They would like normalcy back as much as they can. Don’t look at them like a hurt puppy whenever you see them, or hug them every time they come around.
3. Ask them how they are: I know it sounds like the opposite of what I just said, but it isn’t. Just the simple text of “hey, girl. how are you doing today?” is sufficient. It allows them to talk about it if they need to.
4. Just listen: After you ask them how they are, really listen. If they give you a simple answer, go back to number 1. When they are ready to talk, they will talk. It may be waterworks and a lot of hugging, but that’s when they need a friend the most, when they feel the lowest and everything that has been bottled up just kind of spews out.
5. Be there for them: It may be hard, especially if they seem like a Debbie-Downer a majority of the time, but this is the most important. When someone grieving feels isolated from everyone, it allows them to be alone with their thoughts. When they feel alone, everything that they’re feeling is amplified over 110%. That’s why a support system is the most important thing to a person’s healing process.

Like I said, everyone grieves differently. Just remember that this is a journey they will be on, and something that will be a part of them for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t just go away, so be there for them. Continue being a great friend and you guys can get through it together.