It's okay, everyone argues, whether it's with a significant other, a parent, a sibling, a friend, etc. What's important to know, is how to do it effectively; that is, how to do it so that each of you leave with understanding what the other person was saying, what you wanted to say, and are satisfied with the results. The following are 5 tips to help.
1. Listen
To begin, I suggest each of you take turns listening to the other person's side. You can't try to understand if you haven't actually listened to each other's point of view. From personal experience, I know how it feels to think I'm not being listened to. It's as if you're talking to yourself. Since you probably know the feeling too, you shouldn't make someone else feel that way.
2. Repeat
When I say repeat, I don't mean keep repeating yourself over and over again. What I am referring to, is what you should do after the other person is finished speaking. After the other person is done speaking, summarize and repeat what they say so they know you were listening. For example, if they are mad that you don't spend time with them and are distant, you would then say, "What I think you're saying, is that it upsets you that we don't spend time together and that you'd like for me to make some more time for us."
3. Take A Breath
It may sound silly, but taking a couple deep breaths could help you focus. Since it's an arguement, both of you are most likely angry and are reacting however you want and are only focusing on getting what you want out. If you take a step back and breath, your anger may subside enough for you to be able to figure things out without anger clouding your judgement. If you don't, you may end up looking like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
4. Get To The Root
Many couples, especially if they are married or living together, experience the issue of not understanding what the other is upset about. For instance, if you think that your significant other is lazy and doesn't do anything, but they claim that they do, then perhaps you two aren't looking at the big picture. If there are 6 chores to do in your household and you do 4 and they do 6, that doesn't mean they are lazy and don't do anything. True, you do more, but instead of calling them lazy, you can simply talk to them about splitting the chores evenly. That way, you don't feel like you're doing everything and you don't have a bad image of your partner.
5. Don't Fight Dirty
What I am referring to, is something almost everyone has done while argueing. You say or do things that you end up regretting. I have certainly done that. When you are angry and hurt, you tend to just spew out anything you're thinking, including mean words or even past events that aren't relevant. All that does it hurt the other person and doesn't resolve anything.
So, the next time you're in an arguement, take a few breaths, think things through, and don't just blurt out anything you want. To fix your problems, you need to sit down and talk, not yell.
