I wish there was more I could say to introduce this list, but I'm really not sure there is. I don't like Billy Joel. That's all there is to it. Sure, he may have had a radio smash hit here or there. And fine, maybe it is a big deal that he basically lives at Madison Square Garden or whatever. But I really just can't bring myself to say that I'm truly alright with Billy Joel in the depths of my heart. The two of us have definitely got some beef. While I don't hate the guy (like I hate Academy-, Golden Globe-, and Soul Train Award-winning rapper/actor Common. If you're reading this, I hate you, Common. To be honest, I can't even pinpoint exactly why I do and that makes it all the more frustrating. It could be your verse on "Get 'Em High," but I truly cannot be sure. I would say that I feel sorry for that, but what I'm actually feeling is hate. For you. Common. Ugh.), I really do strongly dislike Billy Joel and here are the top five reasons why:

1. He was definitely supposed to be an elementary school janitor.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy that a humble man found success in life by embracing an impressive God-given talent. But what I am saying is that somewhere in the middle of suburban Oklahoma a small elementary school is missing their wise old custodian who takes his time waxing the floors while flexing his impressively soulful vocal range, and then sits long after the school day is over poking at the keys of the auditorium's old Steinway. Because believe me when I say that every single elementary school in the United States has this mesmerizing Billy Joel-style custodian on staff, no exceptions. I'm pretty sure it's, like, a law or something.

Now I know it isn't necessarily nice to call someone selfish. But some farm boy out there will never make it to the big city because there was no firm, yet gentle maintenance man in the hallways to pass on words of inspiration because he was too busy chasing his own dreams.

2. I don’t trust anyone with two first names.

I'll just let the evidence speak for itself.

Steven Tyler: There is absolutely no way that the entity that calls itself "Steven Tyler" is not part of an extremely elaborate ventriloquist's act. Compare this dummy and Tyler. Truly remarkable. But totally suspicious.

Martha Stewart: There is only one thing more terrifying than evil children: evil elderly. Martha Stewart looks and sounds and probably smells a whole lot like your ideal grandma, the kind of grandma that will let you sleep in late, bake cookies for you during the day, and lovingly tuck you in at night to help you get some shuteye. And yet Martha Stewart, who has presented herself as a harmless caring old lady, has served time in prison for stealing tens of thousands of dollars. Can't fool me, Martha. Ya can't fool me.

Ben Franklin: Look, American legend or not, Ben Franklin was a really weird dude. I know this is some really low-hanging fruit here, but come on — I have never once had the urge to willingly be electrocuted via LIGHTNING STRIKE. I honestly feel like that right there is enough to anchor somebody pretty deeply on the extreme end of the oddball spectrum. Think about it like this: Imagine your best friend in the whole world. Go ahead, close your eyes and imagine them. Now imagine you guys are hanging out, having a blast when your best friend mentions, "Oh hey, you know the other day I did this really fun thing where I took a fork and jammed it into the outlet a bunch of times, and you know what, it was really incredible. Such a rush. Wanna give it a go?" That right there is terms for friendship termination.

Steve Harvey: You know exactly where I'm going with this. The whole world trusted this human Mr. Potato Head to complete one simple task, a task which could have even been accomplished by a blind man. Remind me again of what happened? Right. That's what you get when you trust a double-first-namer.

Benedict Arnold: Benedict Arnold was a traitor to America, a.k.a. literally the least trustworthy person in American history. What's that? Oh yeah, two first names.

Conclusion: It's pretty safe to assume Billy Joel is also an untrustworthy traitorous trash weirdball type of human. If you're a Billy Joel fan, I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I don't make up the facts, I only present them.

3. America was only meant to have one Mr. Clean.

Look, it's nothing personal. It's just that we need another older, balding caucasian man with short white hair and a medium stature in the public eye like we need another Kimye baby. We had Mr. Clean, and that's all we really needed.

Then we got Bruce Willis. Fine.

But then one day while I was watching "Psych," I had the following fateful realization about Sean Spencer's dad: he too should be wielding a hammer on the front of an orange box of baking soda.

And now this Billy Joel guy wants in too? I don't think so, pal.

Here in America, we only need one Mr. Clean. We can tolerate two. Three's really pushing it. But four?

See ya later, Billy.

Except this one. We'll take this one.

4. I get embarrassed when everyone sings "Piano Man" and I’m the only one who doesn’t know the words.

Fact: No friend of mine has ever expected me to be able to retell their story about a boring Saturday night with depressing undertones at a little rinky-dink bar word for word, and nor should they.

Billy Joel, you are no friend of mine.

5. His left thumb is a deflated meat balloon

If you didn't know before, you do now. I'm sorry. According to Wikipedia, Billy Joel got into a motorcycle accident nearly 35 years ago and since then he has had no bones in his left thumb. Since he made it out of the accident pretty much alright (besides the whole left thumb thing), I can say this: gross.

Having no bones in his left thumb makes playing the piano extremely impressive. However, it provides an excessive and unethical advantage during the traditional Thumb War, probably making Billy Joel an absolute nightmare at kids' birthday parties. And that right there's another reason to strongly dislike William Martin Joel, which, for the record, is three first names.

(Sorry, Izzy!)