The hardest part of recovering from a sexual assault is finding the courage within yourself to reach out for help. I pray that my friends and family never have to fully understand the trauma that comes with an act of sexual violence, but you can empathize without having been in the shoes of the victim. Yet still, knowing what to say and when to say it is rather difficult. When words fail you, start by saying, "Thank you for trusting me and feeling safe enough with me to tell me." Please whatever you do, never say any of these things to a survivor:
1. "Was what you were wearing revealing? Had you had anything to drink? Maybe these things provoked him."
Do not EVER say this. This is victim blaming, and can cause even more traumatic damage. A victim should never believe that it was his/her fault, and you should never say anything that might cause them to think this is true. Yes these things might put someone at a higher risk to be sexually assaulted, but there is no need for you to blame us when we are already blaming ourselves plenty. You may say these things with good intentions, but the truth is you are only doing more damage.
2. "Did you go to the police? You would feel safer."
First and foremost, I recommend that any victim go immediately to a hospital, and have them notify the local police. Do not change your clothes, or wash, go straight for a rape kit. Speaking from experience as someone who DID go to the police, it doesn't make you feel safer. I lie awake most nights, alone, and scared. Every little noise jars me awake when I am on the edge of sleep. I am always looking over my shoulder and wondering what the people around me will do next. No, I do not feel safer knowing that the police know.
3. "Oh no, you should be totally safe. Women don't get raped unless you are out past 2 alone or walking down a bad street."
Who exactly made you the expert on how, when, and where women get raped? Rape happens at any time and in any part of town. Most people know their rapist. It is an "I trusted you" violence. It is also not so much the chances of being raped, but the fear of the chance. Survivors of sexual assault tend to live in fear. I check my door at night to make sure its locked sometimes 3 or 4 times. I check the back seat of my car before I get in and I avoid going places such as the grocery store alone.
4. "That wasn't rape. It isn't like you were forced with a gun in a dark alley. You could have gotten away."
Rape is rape. If "yes" is not clear, then consent is not heard. If telling someone to stop multiple times, screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs, and pushing against them isn't trying to get away, then I don't know what is. Please do not trivialize someone's experience just because it doesn't fit the stereotype you have laid out for it.
5. "Stop thinking about. Stop letting it define you. Get over it."
The healing process is a series of steps. However, you go back and forth between them, and sometime, find yourself facing the trauma all over again. Some days I feel as if I am a dam, and dried glue is holding me together, but the dried glue is wearing thin, and the dam will soon burst open. Let people take their time healing.
