You were my favorite person on earth, even if I didn’t know that growing up. You weren’t a person to show emotion unless you had a good reason, yet anytime I’d come to you crying, you’d cry with me because me being upset made you upset. You understood me on a level I’m afraid no one else ever will. I didn’t realize how much I needed you in my life until the day where you weren’t just a phone call away anymore. I don’t know why the good Lord had to call you home so soon, but I know I can’t wait to see you again someday. If heaven received letters, I’d mail you this along with every single page in my diary. You were my world. In ways, you always will be my world. Since you’ve left me I’ve had a lot of time to reminisce. If I had just one more chance to see you again, I made a list of some things I didn’t say that I wish I would have.
1. Thank you.
I don’t think I stressed this enough anytime you ever did anything for me. In fact, I know for sure that I didn’t. I took you for granted. I took everything you did for me for granted. I am sorry. I know you’d tell me it isn’t my fault, and that you knew I loved you, but I didn’t mean it back then like I mean it now. So just thank you. Thank you for all the memories, the strength, the courage, the willpower. Thank you for showing me and continuing showing me there’s so much more to life than my naive self ever saw.
2. You really were my best friend.
I told you everything. You knew me like you knew the back of your hand. Being a person who didn’t put forth a lot of emotions myself, you sure got me to be an open book. I never had to worry that you would tell so and so what I said about this, or what I said about that. Everything we ever talked about always remained private between just the two of us. These days, I trust no one. You gave me the courage to do so many things and I sit back and think about where I’d be in life if you wouldn’t have given me all of the advice. I would have never learned to speak for myself and I think I’ve grown even more on self-importance since you passed because I have your voice reminding me in the back of my head that standing up for myself is one of the most important things I’ll ever do.
3. You were and still are my motivation.
I have a bad problem of losing interest in things quickly and my ADHD definitely doesn’t help, but when you were here you kept me going. Even now I listen to your voice, literally, anytime I know I’m about to quit something. I have a voicemail you left two years ago saying “Never give up because you are not a quitter. You know better.” I always end up playing back your message when the days get tough because without it I don’t know if I’d survive in this world.
4. You are my hero.
Looking back on the days’ chemo kicked your ass, yet you never let anyone see what it actually did to you, I would be honored if I ever was half the women you were. I’ve never seen someone fight as strong as you did. You were brave when we were weak. You had faith when we had none. Even before you took your last breath, you asked for one more chance. For that, you are the greatest hero in my heart.
5. I’m sorry.
I have so many things I can apologize for. I didn’t ever realize all of my faults until they were all thrown in my face at once. I’m sorry I never spent as much time with you as you wanted me to. I’m sorry I’d put you aside because I thought I had something better to be doing. I’m sorry I ignored all of those phone calls back then. I’d do anything now to have just one more. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best niece in the world and that I never appreciated you enough, but most importantly I’m sorry for never saying I love you as much as I should have.
Overall, despite having to lose you, I’m kind of proud of the person it has shaped me to be. I miss you like crazy and that will never change, but having a broken heart in the way of knowing you are never going to see a certain person on this earth again lets you gain a whole new perspective on life. I pay more attention to Earth's beauty and hug my parents a little more. I worship God on a whole new level and I’m always grateful of everything that comes my way. As I sign this letter, and postmark it with today's date, I'll continue writing you in my heart just in case heaven starts its own postal service. I love you, Aunt B. Take care of yourself.
