I don’t want to be overdramatic, but I think that this 14-second video changed my life in ways that were previously unfathomable.

This brief video posted by Matt Little went viral very quickly, and has gathered almost seven million views in one week. Half of those views are probably from me. When I first watched that dirty, parasite-infested rodent clamber down those stairs, I was instantly hooked. I felt his struggle and formed a personal attachment to this sad creature, whose tutelage I will never forget. Here are five things I learned from the heralded Pizza Rat.

1. Capitalism is bad.

Who’s to say that the pizza slice didn’t belong to the rat in the first place? He probably needed it more than whoever swiped their card at a Papa John’s. This video was clearly posted with the intention of forwarding the communist agenda, and it did its job.

2. Men ruin everything.

Why did Mr. Matt Little need to startle the rat by telling it to live its best life? Why did he have to stomp so loudly and be a menace to society? If the video had been filmed by a delicate, soft-spoken woman, the rat would not have dropped its slice.

3. There is never too much of a good thing.

People often spout lies about “overdose” and “gluttony.” These things do not exist. If you want to consume a slice of pizza bigger than your body, you should do so without falter.

4. Stairs and exercise are bad.

If Obama actually listened to our complaints, he would remove every staircase in this country and replace them with escalators. If the rat had been on an escalator and not on a cumbersome set of stairs, he would not have had to work so hard to transport his dinner.

5. New York City is a beautiful and clean place.

Cities that allow humans and rodents to coexist are truly wonderful. If every city had rats running free, we would become a more tolerant society, and speciesism would cease to exist.

Who taught us more, Martin Luther King Jr. or the Pizza Rat? The answer is clear.