I told someone a story once...about how a doctor I saw for my hip condition thought I had escaped from prison.
Why would he think that?
For you to understand, I’d have to wear shorts. You’d have to see my legs. To understand why an unbiased, medical professional would think that then-22-years-old me would have escaped prison.
I never asked if he thought I had gotten caught escaping. That would’ve been more interesting to me.
My legs tell their own story. But not a story that’s mine.
My legs tell the story that you want to see. People will read into my scars what they want. A story of escaping prison. A story where the scars weren’t from self-inflicted wounds from cutting myself. They tell whatever story you use to make yourself more comfortable with them. Or whatever story you want, so that you can judge me.
I get it.
It’s uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable to think I was once in so much pain that I coped the only way I felt I had, and pretty much no one had any idea for years.
Coped by cutting into my flesh in an attempt to make the pain I felt inside visible, tangible.
Finally show my pain because my voice and mind couldn’t dare find the words, much less speak them.
It may seem wrong to you. It may not make sense. For a long time, it didn’t make sense to me either. Why am I doing this? How could I do something to myself that was so wrong? Stuck in a spiral of harming myself, shaming myself for it, with that shame leading only to more harm. I was stuck.
How could I ruin my body? That question, for me and others, can be so easy to answer. I felt like ruining my body was easy because I felt my body had betrayed and ruined me.
It took therapy and processing the demons inside my head to understand why I felt the need to hurt myself visibly. It took therapy, learning new coping skills, and learning to not retaliate against those demons in the ways I had.
It wasn’t easy. Learning to accept the demons in your head as separate from yourself and to not punish yourself because of them, is hard work. It’s not as simple as, "Just don’t cut yourself."
Here are a few things that you should not say to someone who has self-harmed.
1. "Did it hurt?"
Same as with asking if it hurt, focusing on the physical aspects of what is a mental health issue doesn’t help anyone or solve any problem or help you to understand it. These types of questions can be triggering for those who may still be battling with self-injury urges. Unless you’re on the individual's treatment team, just steer clear of asking specifics.
2. "Don’t show your scars."
Having visible scars and accepting them, and your body as they are is hard enough without others judging you and your scars and trying to make you more ashamed of them.
3. "How’d you do it?"
Same as with asking if it hurt, focusing on the physical aspects of what is a mental health issue doesn’t help anyone or solve any problem or help you to understand it. These types of questions can be triggering for those who may still be battling with self-injury urges. Unless you’re on the individual's treatment team, just steer clear of asking specifics.
4. "Why’d you do it?"
It’s a hard and complicated road for those who struggle with self-injury sometimes to even pinpoint to themselves just why they did it. They may not be comfortable sharing why, or they may still be processing why exactly that they have turned to coping that way. They don’t owe you the answer. They may, in time, choose to share. They may not; but ultimately, it’s their choice to discuss it with you.
5. "You have no good reason for doing that."
You have no idea what that person may be, or may have, gone through. Judging how they have responded to factors and events in their lives is judgemental and could only reinforce any shaming of themselves they may already be doing. It’s not your place to judge.
So if you notice someone’s scars, notice them. That’s all. You don’t necessarily need to ask questions, you don’t need to point them out. You don’t need to. If they want to talk to you about that period or part of their life and story, they will.
Regardless of our scars, or our size, or anything about our bodies, we are human and we deserve respect. Remember that the next time you think of judging someone based on their appearance.
