It’s about a month into the new semester. Based on the clothing strewn about your room and that faint smell hanging in the air, it’s abundantly clear that you’ve settled into your new place, whether that place is a dorm, an apartment, or a house. The state of your living environment doesn’t really bother you; who else but you is ever going to be in there? Besides, you’ll clean it up eventually. Right?
While it might be true that you’ll do some very light cleaning, it’s only a matter of time until “it” happens. Whether she’s a romantic interest, a friend of yours, your mother, or your romantic interest and her mother (may God have mercy on your soul if that happens), a woman will eventually decide to enter the place you like to call “The Crib.” Although your bros probably won’t care that you live in squalor (most likely because they’re living in similar conditions), any woman you bring into your home will absolutely care and take immediate notice of the way you live behind closed doors, using that information to re-evaluate every aspect of your character. It’s terrifying. So, if you want to decrease the chances of driving away every female within a twenty foot radius of your home, it’s time to call upon the little interior decorator inside you and fish those dust-covered cleaning supplies out of the closet or from under the sink. Also, if the reason you’re reading this is because the woman in question is currently on her way to your place and you’re having a panic attack because you don’t know what the hell to do, keep doing that. The fear will make you move faster.
On that note, let us begin.
1. Look Around
If you’ve never really taken a good look around your dorm, apartment, or house before, you might want to prepare yourself mentally before you do. For the uninitiated, conducting a thorough analysis of your home for the first time can be a scarring experience. You might see things that you lost two semesters ago, as well as things that will haunt your dreams for weeks. This is good, however. You now know what your “problem” areas are. Make a mental list of all these areas and tackle them first, since they will most likely take you the longest to clean. And for the guy that’s panicking right now because she just texted you that she’s five minutes away, just do the best you can and remember that what she can’t see technically doesn’t exist.
2. Make Sure Everything Is At Right Angles
After taking care of the problem areas, it’s time to do some geometry. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having OCD and living with people that have OCD, it’s that right angles are the key to making anything look fancy or clean. Although this can be applied to every part of your home, it is mainly going to help you with arranging furniture. You can get as creative as you like, but just remember to keep everything at right angles. Also, if you have a sofa, keep it flush with the wall behind it, but don’t let the sofa actually touch the wall. Just trust me on that one.
3. Clean The Hell Out Of The Bathroom
This Godforsaken place is going to be the location of your biggest battle in the war against uncleanliness. Many men have tried and failed, but you will succeed. Just remember these four words: Disinfect, Scrub, Shine, and Restock. You’re going to want to cover every inch of the bathroom like your life depends on it, but focus on the sink, mirror, toilet, and bathtub. As far as which disinfectant to use, anything that has the capacity to kill is fair game. Scrubbing is pretty self-explanatory, and shining will be important with metal or chrome objects, including the mirror. Restocking is the most important part, however. Make sure there’s soap, a hand towel, plenty of toilet paper, and anything else you deem necessary.
4. Make It Smell Nice
When a woman walks through the door of your home, the first and biggest impression she gets of your “crib” will be obtained via smell. So, if your place smells like something crawled up inside the walls and died, prepare to never be spoken to again. The best thing to do here is to spray a few cans of Febreze or some scented candles, open all the windows, and pray.
5. Clean Your Room
If you don’t plan on bringing a woman in here, this problem can be solved by simply shoving everything in the closet, making the bed, closing the door, and pretending like this room doesn’t exist. However, if you do plan on bringing a woman in here, repeatedly perform step 1, 2, 3 (if the actions of step 3 are necessary here), and 4 until you think you’ve achieved an acceptable level of cleanliness. And for the guy that only has a minute left until she knocks on the front door, do the first thing I said to do and lock the door to your room. I mean it.
If you managed to do all of that, congratulations! Now the only thing left to do is wait and hope that she doesn’t judge you mercilessly for that spot you missed in the bathroom. Good luck!
