In the entirety of my 21 years on Earth, I have only been in one relationship. My relationship began in my Freshman year of college and ended about a year and a half later. This relationship had its ups and downs, just like any other relationship; however, when I look back at what I shared with that partner, I realized that I accepted a lot of sh*t from them simply because I thought I had to. I thought that the way he spoke to me was normal and that the things he would ask of me and say to me were things that came with the "in a relationship" territory. Yes, I can remember so many great adventures that we shared—fun outings and vacations with our families, ball games and parties with friends. But now I realize that I was stuck in a cycle of emotional abuse. Being manipulated into thinking there was only one way of doing things and one way of communicating, with me being on the apologetic end every time. While there are many other examples of things your partner may say or do that delineates an emotionally toxic or abusive relationship, here are 5 of the most common that reared their head in my personal circumstance.
1. "You're not doing/wearing that."
Something that I am able to accept now that I am out of the relationship is that my partners need for control outweighed everything else in our relationship. If I wanted to go out somewhere with my friends or wanted us to do something together that I enjoyed, it was generally met with "why?" and a slew of other question regarding the plans I had made.
When it came down to it, I was told what I could and couldn't do, what I could or couldn't wear out, who I could and couldn't talk to...I'm sure you're starting to see a pattern. For me, I was blinded by the thought that they were doing all of this because they cared about me; about my safety, about our time shared together. But in reality, they needed control over the situation, over me.
I agree there should be some guidelines in a relationship and that there are lines that a healthy couple wouldn't cross, but being told what to do and when to do it constantly does not fall under either of those categories.
2. Who is *insert name of boy who means nothing to you.*
And "why did he like/comment on your photo?" (or vice versa), or "why did he look at you like that" or, my personal favorite, "why did you smile at him like that?" All of these are comments I would hear daily, and comments that would surely lead to huge fights and blowouts, usually resulting in the silent treatment. So, to avoid these types of arguments and fall outs, I took it upon myself to change. Change my personality, change who my friends were, change where I hung out.
Because of my partner's insecurity, worked hard to avoid eye contact with people as I walked the hallways. When we were out together, I would stand as close as possible to my partner and drown them in PDA so they knew that I was only focused on them (and so that everyone else knew too). I tried to unfriend, unfollow and delete every boy that made my partner uncomfortable on my social media accounts and made my accounts private.
And it still wasn't enough. When I complimented someone else's tattoos, t-shirt, performance in a baseball game, etc. I would hear about it. And I would always apologize.
3. "Why would you talk to your friends about us? It's between me and you."
I mean, who needs outlets or advice from anyone else aside from your partner, right? I remember the first big-ish fight we had and how I told my best friend about it, asking for advice and comfort. When I apologized enough and we made up, one of the first questions my partner asked me was "you didn't tell anyone about this fight, did you?" to which I responded, "only *insert friends name here*." Boy, was that the wrong answer.
This began a whole new fight about how our relationship was only to be discussed between the two involved in the relationship; no friends, no family, no counselors or mentors, no one. Many utterances of "Why does anyone else need to know? What will they think about us? Why would you do that?" followed, and once again, I obeyed. No one ever knew about our fights and arguments; I never asked for advice and I never shared anything with my family or friends; I navigated my first relationship only by what I was told by my partner and what they expected.
Now that I am able to reflect, if I had let anyone else in, their worries wouldn't have been that we were functioning as a normal couple with our ups and downs; in actuality, they have seen how unhealthy the relationship was, and maybe I would have been able to escape a little bit earlier.
4. "I'm sorry... but..."
"...you did *this* first" or "I was only trying to *whatever*" So many times I thought that I has finally cracked the shell of my partner and thought that I had finally come to the realization that in order to grow in a relationship (or adult in general), you need to be able to take responsibility for your actions. It would begin with an "I'm sorry, babe," but be followed by a "but blah blah blah," where the blame would be shifted on to me or anyone else within reason.
They would be able to turn the tables and make me believe that whatever we were arguing about was my fault entirely and I should be so sorry and apologetic, and "never do it again." I have always been a pushover and very cognizant of other people's feelings, and that has always been very apparent in my life. But this partner learned that about me and used that character trait to their advantage, knowing they could do no wrong.
5. "Why did you make me do that?"
While this was not used very often in this relationship, it is the single phrase that made this cycle of emotional abuse most apparent. The first time that this partner uttered the words "why did you make me do that," was one of the darkest nights in our relationship. We had been play-fighting in my room, light wrestling and a light shove or slap on the arm, with a kiss or two mixed in every few seconds as a way to have some fun (we are both mildly aggressive people and for some reason a little wrestling, showing out physical strength to one another was usually fun for us in our boredom).
It was all fun and games until he wanted to stop and I was having fun being an annoying girlfriend; I kept at it and he got a little more heated than expected. I reach out to hit him one last time and after I did, he retaliated. Much harder than he or I expected, and hard enough to leave my cheek aching. I asked them to leave and they did, in a complete fit of anger. A few hours later we sat outside to talk about it and the first thing they said to me was "Why did you make me do that?" I didn't realize until after we broke up how awful this situation was. They were so upset that I had "made" them hit me and that they weren't "that kind of person" and that I had "brought out the worst" in them.
I'm sure you can guess how this ended—me in tears, begging for forgiveness and us never speaking of it ever again.
No, this wasn't the best situation for me to be in, but I learned a hell of a lot from it. I learned what a respectful and loving relationship should look like and what I should look for in my next partner. I learned that is sticking up for yourself, going out without your partner or talking to any individual who is of the opposite sex is normal and acceptable in a relationship, and if your partner is putting strict limitations on those things, maybe think that over. I learned that having every second of your day controlled by another human being, being super obsessed and clingy with your relationship and partner, and isolating yourself to make your partner comfortable are NOT normal things in a relationship. I learned that I am not always wrong and that I do not need to always apologize. I learned that feeling like you matter and actually mattering are completely different.
There will always be ups and downs in a relationship and nothing will be absolutely perfect at all times, but please, learn the difference between a down in a relationship and emotional abuse in a relationship.
- Letter To An Emotionally Abusive Husband ›
- 7 Red Flags of Covert Emotional Abuse ›
- 5 Things I Wish I Said To My Abusive Ex Boyfriend ›
