I’m going to dive right into this one….

I am a waitress in the evenings at a restaurant that is primarily known for its historical value and as a result draws out a number of elderly citizens regularly. I try to refrain from using generalizations in these blogs, and it should be noted that I’ve met and served some amazing people. However, I have noticed a significant trend of disdain amongst our customer base when servers abstain from certain mannerisms and cultural norms.

It was a normal Wednesday afternoon and I was trying to get through my shift as politely as I could. I was exhausted and irritable, but I noticed that a couple had walked in and sat at one of my assigned tables so I grabbed a menu and some napkins and began saying my lines as I approached them with a big smile on my face.

“Hello, my name is Kristen and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I start you off with something to drink?”

“Yes,” the older gentleman said before proceeding to order for himself and his wife.

I wrote down their drinks and just as I was beginning to walk away…..

“Excuse me,” he called, “Come here, miss.”

I leaned in tentatively.

“That lady behind you…” I looked over to see my waitress friend.

“Yes?”

“Is that a wig on her head?”

Pause. Stop. And don’t press play yet.

I wasn’t expecting it. Who expects things like that? Why is he concerned? My friend had in a sew-in, but it was well done and made to replicate curls that could’ve been hers naturally. Truth be told, I was very jealous! It was neat, bouncy, and well…..curly.

“Uh, yes sir. Why?”

I should have said it was real. I should have said it was none of his business.

“Well, she shouldn’t have worn her hair like that, don’t you think?”

I did a double take, raised my eyebrows, pursed my lips together, dropped my head, and walked away.

Things that ran through my mind: her Shirley Temple curls were made to simulate natural black hair. What’s wrong with curly natural black hair? How am I supposed to respond to this? If he feels that way about her curls, what is saying about my Marley Twists as I walk away? How do I defend my friend and my culture without losing my job? How do I remain calm enough in this situation to respond appropriately? Can I get a re-do? I wasn’t ready!

I’m never ready. Nothing can ever really prepare you for microaggressions. Microaggressions are defined as everyday verbal and nonverbal slights or snubs whether intentional or unintentional which communicate negative or derogatory messages to targeted persons based solely on their group membership. As an African American female who studies both classical music and politics, I have a lot of firsthand experience with them. Whether it’s people touching my hair without permission or insinuating that I’m threatening or that I don’t know my father. (Yes, someone actually had the nerve to ask me if I knew my father. If you know me at all, you know that I am completely spoiled and 100% daddy’s girl forever and always.) Microaggressions are a part of life that I am still coming to terms with, especially in the workplace.

What do you do? Are you obligated to launch into a speech about race relations? Are you obligated to take up some form of protest? Are you allowed to do nothing? Where should you draw the line?

I am not perfect. I’ll be honest and say that I am still learning to speak up more often than I do and to keep quiet when it’s appropriate to. The issue with microaggressions is that you can never be fully prepared because you never know when they’ll strike. You could be out for a run, waitressing, babysitting, performing, even shopping at a grocery store while you’re verbally assaulted. (Yes, some psychologists liken microaggressions to verbal assault.) So what do you do?

Utterly embarrassed and flustered, here’s what I came up with to answer that question after this event:

Step 1.) Take a deep breath. A lot of times, I find myself struggling to come up with a quick response when I don’t necessarily have to reply right away.

Step 2.) Answer a question with a question. One time, I walked into my high-school French class after straightening my hair (my hair curls very tightly but straightens very easily) the night before and my teacher didn’t believe that I was 100% black. “Are you sure you don’t have some Native American in you?” She asked. “Why would you think I would?” I challenged.

3.) Keep asking questions. Have them explain it to you and watch their facial expression as they realize what they’re saying. To the older gentleman, I could’ve said “Why don’t you think it looks good? What’s wrong with it?” Force them to face their own mishap instead you having to process it internally.

4.) State your claim bluntly. The last thing that I should’ve said was “Well, I think it looks beautiful and I want my hair to look just like hers.” It’s the truth. To my French teacher, I could’ve said: “I am African American and proud to be.” Those types of declarations can not only, encourage them to think about what they say before they say it, but they can also give you some confidence.

5.) Walk away. If you can remove yourself from the situation, do so. Staying will only make things more awkward and confusing.

While these steps may not be foolproof, it’s a start.The story ends with me walking back to the table with their drinks and receiving a gruff apology from the old man. “That was very ugly of him,” his wife said. It was and although the damage had been done, I did have hope that there were more people like her in the world that would speak up. To my microaggression victims: Don’t make excuses and with practice we will be able to stand strong and firm. To my allies and potential allies: Educate people and don’t be a bystander. You can use the five step plan as well. If someone had educated that gentleman about horrors of microaggressions BEFORE he spoke out of turn, maybe there would be one less piece on this website about my community and I being verbally assaulted.