College students are socially pressured to go to parties and engage in the hookup culture. College students also usually live in dorms and have roommates. As you can see, these two situations can often clash and cause quite the predicament -- better known as the “sexile.” Sexiling is when one roommate brings a sexual partner back to the dorm and any other roommates are expected to leave for the night (or at least an extended period of. While this ordeal is not exactly pleasant, it will happen from time to time. So, in order to prepare for this unfortunate predicament you will most likely have to face during "the best four years of your life," familiarize yourself with the general sequence of events.
Stage 1: The Text
It’s a Friday night and you’ve been out to the hottest campus parties with your squad. The clock has struck 1 A.M., the music has died down and you are beyond exhausted. However, your desire to crawl into bed and become a potato fuels your determination to walk all the way back to your dorm. Then, as you’re bidding farewell to your friends, you hear that dreaded notification sound, and you see it: the text. Your roommate has just sent you something along the lines of, “I’m bringing someone back, is that OK?” Everything inside you dies a little.
Stage 2: Killing Time With Food
Oh, how badly you want to protest! You’re exhausted and your feet hurt and, dear god, you will have one heck of a hangover tomorrow morning. But then you remember all of those times when you were the sender of that awful text, and so you decide that your friendship with your roommate is worth more than one night of comfort. After sending your roommate a quick “k” and a poop emoji, you decide to at least kill some time at the nearest cafe or other food place -- anything that's close. After all, eating greasy food is always a decent way to end a night out. You and a couple of your other lingering friends head over, order pizza or mozzarella sticks and call dibs on some remaining seats. Once your belly has been filled, you sit there and contemplate the night’s events until 2 A.M. arrives and your eyelids start to droop.
Stage 3: Finding A Place To Sleep
Sometimes, life will give you some good karma and bless you with a neighbor who happens to be a close friend that will allow you to crash in their room overnight. Unfortunately, not everyone has this luck, and especially not you, the tired protagonist of this adventure. So, after you've finished reexamining your life at the cafe, you fervently begin texting every friend you have on campus in an attempt to find somewhere to sleep until tomorrow morning. By now, you have reached your residence hall and you are sitting in the living room, impatiently awaiting a response. Oh, how you wish you had indulged in the hookup culture this one time! Oh, how you wish you had a romantic partner! Then, at least, you would have a place to go. Oh well, life isn’t fair. But finally, one friend replies to your desperate pleas and offers shelter. But, this friend lives all the way across campus and it is cold outside. Good luck on your journey!
Stage 4: Finally Going To Bed
After shivering in your party clothes on the way to your friend’s dorm, you finally reach your destination. Your friend gives you a blanket, a pillow and a sympathetic smile as they indicate your sleeping spot in the middle of the room. Ah, the lovely floor: so comfortable. As you try to lay in a position that won’t destroy your back, you wish that you two were at that point in your friendship where you could just share a bed. Plus, your friend’s roommate snores very loudly, like a goddamn engine. You begin to miss your roommate, who quietly sleeps like the dead. After your phone dies, you finally try to fall asleep.
Stage 5: The Morning After
Your friend shakes you awake and you groan. It is 10 A.M., and, as expected, you have an awful hangover. After borrowing your friend’s charger for a few minutes, your phone comes back to life and you receive a most beloved text from your roommate. The sex partner has departed and you are free to return. You elatedly stumble back to your room and sigh in relief; your roommate has opened the windows so there is none of that musty, post-coitus smell. Your roommate asks how your night went, and you ask them to give more warning in advance next time. You know that won’t happen though, but that’s OK. You’ll do the sexiling next time, after all. You then proceed to go back to sleep, snooze for a few hours, and then wake up just in time for dinner.
Congratulations, you've officially made it through without any major complications. Whether you are being sexiled, or are the one doing the sexiling, the important thing to remember is to be respectful and understanding of one another. You have to live with this other person after all, so sometimes sacrifices have to be made. At least you will now be prepared for any future sexile situations. Be safe, kids!
