I'm watching "Married at First Sight," I've just eaten my weight in chips and salsa and I'm going on Day 3 of unwashed hair when my next blog idea comes to mind. How do you know if a guy (or girl) likes you?

We've all been there. Maybe not the chips and salsa part, or the hair part, but we've all wondered if the person you like, likes you back. You read articles. Take BuzzFeed quizzes. Ask your friends for their opinions. We still can't tell.

You’re trying to impress him. Dress hot. Laugh at horrendous jokes. Use the cute Snapchat filters. Drop not-so subtle hints that you're interested. You're somewhere in between the friend zone and Kristen Wiig in “Bridesmaids.” So how do you get this relationship to the next level? Ya know, make him your boyfriend.

Now look, I'm no relationship expert. I don't have the best track record. And true, I am known to date down, but, nonetheless, I've been in several relationships, gone on numerous dates, listened to my friends' stories, and watched every episode of “Married at First Sight.” I'm a serial datist, if you will.

I can read signs. So with the following five signs, you should know, he's just not that into you.

1.He's sick – with a bad case of liarrhea.

"My phone died!" he says.

Yea, rite, boi. if you EVER hear this, leave that boy alone. It's 2017, and he's trying to tell you that his phone died?! People have wireless chargers, car chargers, chargers that don't even need a box, they just need a cord to plug into a USB port. C'mon. That fool's phone didn't die, he just didn't want to see you.

“It's not like that!” he exclaims.

When people get defensive during an argument to try to prove that they are NOT like something, well then they are what they're trying to disprove that they're not. I've even done it. For example, my mom was stating that she believes I drink too much when I get out. I make up excuses that because it's a holiday or because I had a great day, I need a drink (or 10) to celebrate.

"No, Mom, I'm not an alcoholic. It was only 4 shots! Like, I knew what I was doing!" I would say back to her.

Looking back, if I had to plead my case that hard, well then damnit, I think I'm an alchy.

Or when girls say, "I've never done this before!!" or "I normally don't do this!" to a guy. Girl, bye. We've all done it.

So, if he's telling you that you're wrong, and something's not like you think it is, beware. Because when there is smoke, there's fire. And you don't wanna get burned.

2.You're the BBB – and I don't mean 'Better Business Bureau.'

It's 9:37 p.m. and you haven't heard from him all day. Your phone lights up and your stomach rushes up to your chest.

"Omg, he's texting me!" You're freaking out and excited all at the same time. You open the message and it reads, "Wut u doin?"

There are two problems with this. First is the actual sentence. He literally took out two letters in the word 'what' and added one that's not even in the actual word. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for shortening sentences and saving time. Like LOL is acceptable for 'laugh out loud,' even though my grandma thinks it means, 'lots of love.' I don't have the courage to tell her. For example, she text me the other day after an interview and said, "I hope you get it LOL!" I thought, "Surely, she isn't trying to throw shade by 'laughing at loud,' but then I realized she meant, 'lots of love.' Anyway, back to the word shortening. Like how much time did he really save by writing that?

The real issue with this text, though, is the time. The only thing that should be happening at 9:37 p.m. is catching z's. You are not some call girl, who is running a brothel. You’re a dignified young lady.

But you think, well maybe he is interested. He wants to know what I'm doing. EEEEEEEEHHH. Nope, he waited all day because he wasn't thinking about you. You weren't on the forefront of his mind. You’ve become his BBB. Backburner bitch.

And nobody puts baby on the back burner.

3.He doesn't have a Queen in his deck – and I mean Questions.

People who are interested, ask questions. Step out of this faux relationship and think of other relationships or interactions.

During a job interview, the interviewer asks you questions about you and your experience. They're interested in you, otherwise they wouldn't've even called you in. If they don't ask you questions, well, that job ain't for you.

When you come home from school your mom would always ask you, "How was your day? What did you eat for lunch? Did you make new friends? What did you learn? Did you talk to Chase?" Okay maybe that was a little specific, but you catch my drift. Your mom cares about you, she's asking you questions.

So, if you're hanging with your dude, and he's not asking you questions about yourself and life, I'm almost 99.99% sure he's just not that into you.

When I say questions, I don't mean "Hey, what's your bowel movement schedule?" I mean the generic getting to know each other questions. What you like to do for fun? What's your favorite movie? How do you like your job? Where's your family?

But if all the conversation is about him and 2006 Maserati, well then he ain't into you.

4.He DOES have this extra card in his deck – the JOKER.

Great, your man is asking you questions about yourself. He's interested, right? Yes, that is true, like I mentioned before. But just because he asks them, doesn't mean he cares. The ones that ask the questions but DON'T remember are the con artists you need to be aware of. They ask questions to feign their interest, so you open up to them. You feel vulnerable. You think he's interested, so you let your guard down.

Wrong. He's got ulterior motives. And it rhymes with 'Ret Rin Rour Rants.'

I have a great example. It was Christmas break during college, and of course I was home for the holidays like every other college student. There was a guy I used to date back in town, so we began talking again, and decided to go see a movie. While we were there in the theatre, he made the largest mistake known to mankind.

We were catching up on our college experiences while I was dousing my popcorn with salt, when he said it.

"Yeah, so how's AOPi?" he asked.

I got whiplash from whipping my head up so fast to stare at him. Everyone knows, you never mix up a girl's sorority. Ever. I would rather him have commented on my Freshman 32 than mix up my sorority. Honestly.

I knew right then and there he wasn't that into me. Or he wouldn't've made a blasphemous statement. (Not that anything is wrong with AOPi, because there isn't; it just wasn't my sorority.)

5.You're not getting the 'D.'

Dates. The infamous 'D' word. You plan an outfit. You wear your best bra. You slather toothpaste on the red spots on your face the night before. You dab your armpits 3 times to clear yourself of deodorant balls.

These are all good signs, because you're going on a date with your soon to be man.

Dates can include but are not limited to the following:

1.Having dinner at a restaurant in which he pays.

2.Enjoying coffee at Starbucks.

3.Going to the movies where he doesn't mix up your sorority.

4.Going to Dave and Busters and beating him at the dance game so bad he pouts.

5.Attending a sporting event together where you spill your beer on your shirt.

If one of the above isn't happening, and one of the below is, well, you're in trouble.

1.Watching a movie at his house, but no one's watching the movie.

2.Going to a bar and binge drinking.

3.Him coming over at 9:37 p.m.

4.Meeting up with him and his friends at his friend's house whilst they sit around and do drugs and you play Spades on your phone against the computer.

5.Binge drinking… Did I already mention that?

Don't get me wrong, he doesn't have to blow money like Kanye for there to be a date, but by God, there should be some thought in it, and it should involve more than just 'hangin' out with his wang out.'

Ladies and gents, I hoped these 5 tips helped you wake up and realize what's going on with the guy you like. I know it's harder to see these when you're actually in the scenario. Look, I've even continued to see a guy even after he committed all five no-no's on my list. So I get it, it's hard to accept the truth.

But the moral of the story is, if he's not that into you, then stop wasting your time. And your razors on pointless 'dates.'

Instead of worrying if he likes you, wake up and realize this: YOU'RE JUST NOT THAT INTO HIM.

And who wants to date someone with liarrhea anyway? It gets messy.