We've all seen those couples. The ones that hold hands everywhere they go. A lot of people consider the act of holding hands with "someone special" to be seemingly cute and romantic, but I honestly don't see the appeal. Why would I want to hold someone else's hand? What does prolonged hand to hand contact even symbolize? All I know is that I will never hold that special someone's hand and these are the reasons why.
1. The clamminess.
My hands sweat a lot. And I mean, A LOT. My hands are always clammy so holding someone else's hand for a long period of time can get substantially gross, especially if that person's hands are clammy too. You just end up having to constantly wipe your hands across your pants to dry them off every 30 seconds and it is uncomfortable for you, for the other person, and for anyone watching.
2. The miscommunication.
No one is ever sure of what kind of hand holding is about to take place since there are so many variations of it. You can interlock your fingers, simply cup your hands, wrap both of your hands over one of your significant other's hands, do the weird pinky hook thing where both of your pinkies look like they are hugging each other, the intertwining of not only the hands but also the arms and wrists, etc. It's incredibly complex. How do you know which variation of hand holding is most appropriate in the moment? What if you're going in for the interlocking fingers and your partner only wanted to hook onto your pinky? All of these options can be overwhelming and the process of figuring out what you and your partner are going to do at that given moment can be stressful and the miscommunication can get pretty awkward.
3. The miscommunication while walking.
When a couple is holding hands while walking they can encounter some serious obstacles that can make their predicament pretty awkward. For example, couples that are holding hands while walking always have to awkwardly separate their hands if someone obnoxiously walks between them or they encounter an object in their way. Some people know the drill and are aware that they must walk relatively close to their partner in order to avoid the dilemma of running into something. Others, however, leave too much space in between them so when a pole or a tree or some other random obstacle gets in their way, neither one of them knows what to do. Those couples that are completely set on maintaining that connection between their hands let their arms bash into that object in front of them and then awkwardly try to figure out how to get around that object without disconnecting, like that sweaty human knot icebreaker game I did in my 7th grade gym class. Those couples that are willing to break the hand connection still face the pending question of whether or not they should reconnect after the object is out of the way or whether or not the hand holding moment is simply over? Both of these couple scenarios are awkward for everyone involved and unfortunate for the people walking around them that had to watch.
5. The obscure significance.
Last but definitely not the least awkward, the obscure significance. Depending on what state you are at in your relationship, hand holding can hold different meanings. For those couples in a serious relationship it can simply be a casual way to express their intimacy and affections. For all the other kinds of couples, however, the significance can be pretty difficult to depict. For the "casually dating" couples it can be confusing knowing when the right time to hold hands would be. Do you do it all the time or only sometimes? What if your date just used the public restroom and since you don't know them well enough yet you are not entirely sure that they washed his or her hands? For the "first-daters" struggling to find the significance could be even more difficult. Does it mean the date is going well or was the other person bored and decided to find something to do? Are you supposed to make the first move by grabbing your date's hand or are they supposed to? Does making the first move elude confidence or make you look needy? Is it too soon to be romantic like that? What if it turns out that your hand is smaller than theirs and they feel self conscious? Or your hand is too big that they make the other person feel uncomfortable? Or too small that, well then that it is just disappointing? I may just be the only one who asks these questions but I think they are valid and let's face it, figuring out the answers to these questions is time consuming and tiring. And aren't we all so tired of having to recite that cliched meme "ain't nobody got time for that?" Me too.
If you enjoy holding hands with your significant other I am not judging you nor am I against it. If you and your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, pre-pubescent middle school crush can figure it out then I applaud you. I, on the other hand, have witnessed all the hand holding catastrophes and they were not pretty. It was awkward and very painful to watch, but if you can find someone that holds your hand like Jim holds Pam's (if you don't know who these people are then I actually will start judging you) then good for you. You have conquered the art of hand holding, an intimate craft that so many couples have been struggling to do for decades. So unless you feel like you have a sense of that Jim and Pam hand cuteness going on then never stop holding hands and let the world envy you. However, if you do not, then please keep your hands to yourself. The inappropriateness was unintentional.
Maybe also leave the hand holding to the otters. They clearly have it all figured out.
