I was a devout Christian when I met my atheist husband at the end of our sophomore year of college. To be fair, I wasn’t quite as socially conservative as I wanted my most conservative friends to believe. For example, I was a quiet supporter of LGBT rights and internally critical of the pro-life movement. Even so, the number one trait I listed to anyone who asked about my requirements for a future mate was that he be Christian. In the wise words of the Rolling Stones, “You can’t always get what you want/ But if you try sometime you find/You get what you need.” I am not sorry I followed my instincts about the atheist I met in the university community garden. In fact, our initial differences only made our relationship stronger. Here are my top five reasons why dating outside your religion can be a great idea.
1.You lay an amazing foundation for working around future disagreements by learning to respectfully disagree from the start.
Let’s be real, disagreeing on the best way to organize the silverware pales in comparison to discussions on what happens to us when we die. Acknowledging our religious differences from the get-go set the precedent for how we approach all disagreements in our relationship both big and small. We feel free to express our feelings honestly and know that the other person will listen and consider our side even if we don’t ultimately agree.
2. It becomes impossible to maintain an “us and them” mentality about people with different beliefs than yours when you love and respect someone who holds a different worldview.
No matter your belief system, it can be difficult to maintain understanding for people who think in a radically different way from the way you do. I’ve experienced this from both non-religious people and from the way I used to think as a religious person. Perhaps my case was a bit extreme, but I grew up hearing how atheists were bitter, angry, and trying to ban Christmas trees. Likewise, I have met my fair share of atheists who assumed my faith meant I was anti-science or that I was the kind of person who would protest an abortion clinic. Truly getting to know and love someone of a different belief system makes you look past stereotypes and appreciate them as humans, not as a member of an opposing team. It also makes you realize that labels do not tell the whole story. Beliefs vary so much from person to person.
3.You constantly challenge and learn from each other.
Because of my conservative background and my homeschool, creationist science education, I didn’t truly begin exploring the theory of evolution until I was in college and converted to Catholicism. Even then, I still felt extremely threatened by anyone who was enthused about new scientific discoveries. I was still holding onto stereotypes that atheists were empty, misguided people and that science was trying to disprove God’s existence. When it comes to my husband, this couldn’t be further from the truth. His love of science is an expression of his curiosity and enthusiasm about understanding the natural world. Having answers about why things happen doesn’t take away from his happiness. Likewise, he has learned a fair amount of Catholic theology from me and has developed a better understanding for why people view the cross as a sign of love rather than a reminder of Jesus’s brutal death.
4.You learn to focus on practical aspects of working together as a couple instead of philosophical differences.
Instead of trying to change each other’s religious beliefs, we focus on acceptance and appreciating each other as whole people. My husband may not be religious, but he behaves towards me exactly as I had hoped a significant other would. Practically speaking, we are a perfect match. I’m anxious and a perfectionist while he’s easygoing and patient. I like to cook while he likes to bake. He hates to fold laundry but doesn’t mind cleaning bathrooms. I’m the opposite. He’s the humorous and charismatic youngest child in his family while I’m the responsible eldest child in mine. Even when we philosophically disagree, we are compatible in the ways that make day to day living a joy.
5. You might find you have more in common than you thought.
A wise person once told me, “Our differences always seem bigger than our similarities.” Even though religious differences might seem like a huge barrier to a healthy relationship, that view ignores our potential similarities. In my relationship, the reasons behind our actions and views are often different, but our actions, values, and views are often similar. My husband may not be a Christian, but he is a person who will stop and give money to a homeless person. He may not be a Christian, but he and I share a love of learning. He may not be a Christian, but we both believe in adopting animals and treating them like family members.
Obviously, I’m glad I followed my gut and gave him a chance even though we didn’t share religious beliefs. Maybe you have a good feeling about a friend or acquaintance of yours too. I’m not telling you to date someone you just don’t like or with whom you have nothing in common. However, if it’s a label that is holding you back rather than that person’s behavior or personality, it may be time to take a closer look and focus on what you do have in common. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will be terrible. But I know one thing: you’ll never know unless you try.
