You’re cold and hungry; your significant other just broke up with you, and cobwebs and dead spiders have been residing in your empty wallet for who knows how long. Sounds like you need a good cry, but you deserve more than the shame of pathetically crying alone in your bedroom or shower. You deserve the emotional high that only crying in public can give you. It’s your birthright as a college student, as an American, and as a human being with a heart.
Unfortunately, society isn't ready for feverish red eyes and shameless, heavy sobbing. You’ll end up as a viral joke on YouTube or a regular joke on campus. Crying in public, under the radar, requires a degree of professionalism, versatility, and cunning. The key to a good, discreet, full-blown meltdown is location, location, location.
The Louvre
It’s the most famous museum in the world, home to the Mona Lisa, along with many other beautiful works of art. 8.8 million people visit The Louvre every year, yet it’s one of the safest places to release the waterworks. Cry, weep, and bawl without ridicule; bystanders will mistake you as an art aficionado and assume you’re just overwhelmed with all of the breathtaking beauty and history surrounding you. At the end of your weeping, they might even come to respect you…or think you’re a pretentious douchebag.
Daycare
A spawning pit of loud wails and high-frequency screams, your cries will fit right in with the rest of those miniature monsters, ahem, I mean children (little angels? gifts of life? bundles of joy?).
Church
Somewhere in the middle of your local pastor’s sermon, give a nice, vocal, ugly cry. He, along with the rest of the congregation, won’t mind the interruption; they’ll just think you're being overwhelmed by God's love. It might be playfully sacrilegious to take advantage of churchgoers during their time of worship, but this isn’t about them, it’s about you. Cry away.
Weddings
It’s 2015 people, masculinity is no longer defined by how many beers you can chug under a minute. Men are allowed to be more emotionally expressive and vulnerable. What’s sexier than a man stoically glaring in the distance, feigning disinterest, while a couple engages in holy matrimony across from him? A man in the fetal position uncontrollably bursting into tears while a couple engages in holy matrimony across from him.
On stage, after singing a song on The Voice
Admittedly, this one is a little bit more specific, but it’s still applicable.
Picture it- You’re singing on live television, and Pharrell Williams, Blake Shelton, and Christina Aguilera are all currently won over by your heartbreaking, soulful rendition of “Someone Like You” by Adele. But they don’t matter, all that matters is winning over Adam Levine, along with the rest of America. It’s time to release the floodgates. Cry hard and cry fast and you just might hear applause at the end.
