I grew up going to Montreat Music Conference. Every year managed to beat the last and it’s known throughout my close relationships as my “heaven on earth.” It’s where hate, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, regret and judgment cease to exist.
Two years ago I again participated in the conference; however, it was different. I knew I would have fun but driving under the arches wasn’t quite the same. I didn’t understand why I was there anymore. I know Montreat as a holy and spiritual place which was the last thing I considered myself that year.
The oldest youth member should be a leader, someone to confide in about faith or at the very least just be a good example. But how could I do all of those things when I am holding onto my faith like my pinky holding up a dumbbell. I was afraid to speak, I was afraid to pray, I was afraid that anyone would see the anger and the confusion hidden underneath.
The good Christian girl grows up to resent her faith because of misfortunes and as a result, she convinces herself there can be no good from having faith. So for the first time in my life I quit.
I just quit having faith.
That was easy of course until I was at a church camp where the songs were praises to God, we went to worship every day, I had two bible classes a day, we prayed at every meal, and not 15 minutes went by without hearing the Lord's name. And all my life I loved it, until now.
Sitting in Anderson Auditorium hearing the congregation sing to great heights and I stood there with an open hymnal but a closed mouth, mad that I just didn't feel anything.
In one of my classes, my instructor, had the students draw/write the first thing that came to mind when we heard the word faith. Immediately, crosses and Jesus drawings began to pop up, but my page stayed blank. I was terrified. Do I write down a lie? Do I tell him the truth about my belief? Well, what is my belief? Do I have one anymore? Would it really be a lie if I am not sure?
With all of the questions popping into my mind, I found one thing in common. I drew in thick black marker and I took up the whole page. I turned my paper around to show a question mark. It symbolized the doubt and confusion that faith has brought to me.
As I sat there nervous, I was quickly settled by what the instructor spoke on next. He talked about the power of doubt and how it is the drive for a strong faith.
Doubt causes the mind to push further to understand, to intrigue on an answer. Doubt is what brings us closer to God by the knowledge it, in turn, brings us. Doubting is not a hindrance, it is a power. There will not always be certain answers in the bible but to know that and to continue talking to God to try and understand the unknown is how we will keep such strong relationships with God.
That one 5 minute lecture showed me that instead of taking unanswered confusion as neglect from a higher power, take it as the strength God has given me to stay with him and learn about him.
I once again wanted to know God.
