The Most Painful and Pointless Thing You Can Do Is Want Someone Who Doesn't Want You Back.
For whatever reason, we tend to resort to lame excuses or alibis for leaving someone rather than saying the truth: something is lacking here and I can't find what I'm looking for in this relationship, i.e.: I don't want you back. Intricately fabricated excuses and strategic let downs mask the simple truth: the person who leaving doesn't want you or a relationship as much as you do. But you deserve someone who will want you.
I have heard excuses from "my dad has cancer (suddenly? Yeah, I'm sure...) and I need to be there for him"; "The timing isn't right"; "I just have a lot going on"; and my favorite: "You deserve better." We all do. In our heart we all know that when it's right, no time or situation will come in the way of building a relationship with someone you can't do without. So when you are presented with an excuse for commitment, remember not to think you can change things. They know what they are giving up. And you should know that it is unfair to yourself to want someone who doesn't want you back. Mutual feelings and effort after all is the foundation of any relationship.
If someone wants to commit they will, everything else is an excuse. It's as simple as that.
You Can't Change People or Save People Who Don't Want to Change Themselves.
Haven't we all been there? The flirt, the unambitious, the one who no longer trusts, the drug addict-- we all, at one point or another, encounter someone that we see as a "fix it yourself project" that only they are fit to take on.
Spoiler Alert: If they are this way, they don't view their behavior as a shortcoming. Or they don't have the desire to change. You won't change this, you are human too-- not God.
Does this sound pessimistic? I apologize, and yet I don't. I spent three years trying to make a lethargic, sexist, flirt live up to the picture of who I thought he could be: someone bright, compassionate, someone who loved himself as much I did. And some things did improve. And a lot did not.Take it from someone who learned the hard way: a leopard cannot change its spots.
But what if they want to change? Good, great, fantastic! But do not expect a brand new person. The best a human can do in terms of change is manage their short comings, not rid of them. Many of our tendencies are innate or too ingrained in our lives to change completely. However, once someone recognizes a flaw, they can work to manage it.
If they don't want to change, you will grow disappointed in your "project" and partner; both of you will resent each other over time.
Do yourself a favor and date someone you don't want to fix: someone you enjoy every flaw and quirk of. We are human and can't escape imperfection. Luckily, we can embrace these imperfections in ourselves and others.
Their Flaw At The Beginning That You Shrug Off Only Gets Worse. It Doesn't Magically Disappear From Their Character.
Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about-- that one shortcoming that drives you nuts. Absolutely bonkers. Maybe your partner flirts with strangers, maybe they are awful at listening to you, maybe they are homebodies, maybe they are awful at making and keeping plans. What on Earth makes you think this will get better over time? Do you magically drop all your bad habits when you date someone? NO, you don't. And if you think you do, you are very good at lying to yourself. If the person you are seeing has a quirk or shortcoming that makes you feel unimportant or incompatible with them, do yourself a favor and try with someone else because that trait will only intensify to you over time when you realize it is there to stay.
Be Yourself; You Have To Stop Pretending Eventually Any Way In A Relationship.
The good, the crazy, the weird, the tender moments, the ugly temper-- they will see every side to you eventually and no amount of time will change if someone is willing to love and accept the most genuine version of you. Be kind and thoughtful, but be yourself and be proud of that person because the right person will be proud to be with you after experiencing every version of you.
Comparing Yourself to Their Ex Will Cripple Your Self-Esteem and Chances Of Forming a Healthy Relationship.
You're 5'5", she's 6'3". She's blonde and bubbly, you're brunette and introverted. You like football and beer, she likes politics and vineyards. She likes Netflix and takeout, you like clean eating and hiking. Good news, your partner is with you and not their ex! I don't date others looking to find someone similar to my ex. Why would I want to date someone that reminds me of a failed union? You two are dating because your partner was attracted to the things that make you, YOU. Not the things that remind them of their ex. Embrace yourself, otherwise insecurities from stalking to ex on social media will make you second guess all the things you do that made your partner interested. They may be turned off if you try to be like their ex, or if they find out that you are so insecure with yourself that you spent significant time softly stalking their ex online. You can't expect someone to love you if you can't provide yourself with an unwavering self-love first. Be kind to yourself; you're doing your best-- focusing on others will distract you from all efforts towards being the best version of yourself you can be.
