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Low-key I've always been petty.
Despite being known to my friends and family as a
polite, kind and caring individual who would never wish harm on
anybody, I am extraordinarily petty. I've cultivated pettiness from
the depths of my soul. I have held grudges for years, decades,
centuries longer than what a normal human could sustain over comments
made in passing by strangers. I was born in pettiness, molded by it.
Pictured: Me at age 3 to the present.
In this article I will be detailing one of the hidden techniques of pettiness. If you learn anything at the end of this article; the moment you decide to commit to this technique know you can never return to a normal life. These techniques have been hidden for good reason; however today I present to you five dance moves that will put the final nail in the coffin of any argument you find yourself winning. It is important to note that each of these is wholly unnecessary.
Disclaimer: The perfect situation for each of these is when you are already winning an argument; so again none of these moves will win the argument for you. Trying to employ any of these as a trump card will make you look very dumb.
- The Drop
This move was passed down from generation to generation; developed and refined over time in order to achieve the perfect balance of light hearted tomfoolery, and shame inducing condescension. It is a three part process to execute.
Step 1.Bend your knees.
Step 2. Put both arms out to the side.
Step 3. Rock slightly from side to side and move both arms straight out in front of you with your pointer fingers pointing down.
This is a strong way to signal that you won the argument.
2. The Whip
As an additional modifier to this move add the words “Head-ass” at the end. That tip is only for adept users.
Step 1. Place your right arm behind you with the palm facing out.
Step 2. Draw the leg on the opposite side of your body up to your chest.
Step 3. In one fluid motion hop into a wide leg stance and place the arm that was behind you out in front of you in a fist.
The end result should look like this.
3.The Nae-nae
Up until this point each of the move I have described to have been three steps, and ultimately function as the period on the end of the sentence that is your argument. These last three are exclamation points. Despite the increase in intensity the moves themselves are actually less complex to pull off.
Step 1. Raise your hand in the air, and bend your knees.
Step 2. Move your hand back and forth from side to side, also move your head from side to side.
It's important not to be too animated while utilizing the nae nae; you could very easily hurt yourself or others while employing this technique.
4.Hit Dem Folks
This is the second to last for a good reason. It is the most powerful of dance moves with which any person could end a conversation; however it is not versatile enough to claim the number one spot. You can only truly "Hit Dem Folks" if you are standing in an uncrowded area. Not to mention the action itself can look threatening and may invite unwarranted police presence.
Step 1. Cross your arms in front of you twice, alternating which arm is on top.
Step 2. Strike a pose, preferably a flex, where your arms at a wide angle
5.The Dab
The ultimate in argument ending techniques; the Dab is an incredibly versatile, yet strong maneuver that allows a person to signal their dominance at the end of any given argument. If you need to both end an argument and itch your nose. Hit the Dab. If you need to cough while you end an argument. Hit the Dab. If you are sitting down. Hit the Dab. If you are incapable of actually dealing with the level of wrong your friend is at the end of the argument. Hit the Dab. The only real problem with the Dab is that its so applicable to so many situations it's susceptible to overuse.
Step 1. In one fluid motion bring your head to inside of your arm, while raising your arm to your face. Put your other arm out to the side forming a check mark with your upper body. For the most effective dab keep an open palm, make the bend in the elbow crisp, and cover your eyes with the inside of your arm.
Pictured above: Possibly the cleanest dab on record.
Now that I have bestowed these tools of ultimate pettiness upon you, go forth and irritate your friends at any given opportunity. God Bless.
