There are more than enough articles out there about what to bring to college. Most of them are useful and coherent, full of thoughtful advice for a standardized college experience. "Remember socks," they'll say. "Bring plenty of posters and wall decorations!" Couldn't agree more!
If you're like my friend Megan, you get more and more stressed as the semester approaches. One of the biggest worries is bringing more stuff than can comfortably fit in your dorm and/or frat house. With that in mind, here's a nice, stress-reducing list of things that you shouldn't bring to college.
1. Your Collection of Antique Tableware
I know what you're thinking: "But how will I treat guests to our house? Sigma Pupra Nucleon House has a reputation to maintain!" And that's fine! Your reputation as an honorable fraternity is vital, especially in these days of raves, bangers, and general rampant festivi-cation. Don't use the good stuff, though. Mother will be most cross when she hears about the time Derek used the silver French Carafe to dole out Jungle Juice to a bunch of unwashed lacrosse bros.
2. Your M270 Multiple Rocket Launch System
Well you probably shouldn't have that in the first place, to be honest, but that's not the focus of this article. Maybe you found it, dusty and neglected in the junk lot behind a quaint military surplus store. Whatever the reason, you probably shouldn't bring it to college. The first thing to consider is how you would even fit it in your dorm room or house. Those vehicles are twenty-two feet long and nine feet high. Unless your school of choice has a remarkably accepting motor pool supervisor, you're not gonna have anywhere to park! Logistics aside, your GPA really won't appreciate the time you spend with the FBI when they inevitably figure out you have it. Study time is key, everyone!
3. Australia
The world's largest island is, simply put, not an appropriate college supply. Although the administration would likely appreciate the added tuition that the country's 23.13 million citizens would have to pay, the risks far outweigh the rewards. Australia is home to some of the most unique ecosystems on Earth, and all of those animals would be guaranteed to find a way to escape and end up lost in some corner of your room. If you thought house spiders were bad, just wait until you lift your sheets and find a Goliath Bird-Eating Tarantula. You may also experience problems from the non-terrestrial organisms, such as the deadly Box Jellyfish and Great White Sharks. Neither make Mondays any easier, and an emergency room visit on an exam day could destroy your GPA.
4. Dave
You know this is a bad idea. Don't try to justify it to yourself, you know what he did. You aren't emotionally prepared for that, and neither are he and the college. He hasn't recovered yet from that time with the thing, and he still can't stand the sight of those weasel-ball toys. Don't try to bring Dave along or it'll be Boston Spring Break all over again, and although writing apology letters would be good practice at a useful adult skill, the American Dental Association never wanted to see a letter from you ever again. Don't even think about it.
5. Your Giant Legolas Cutout
Okay, you have to be honest with yourself. You're not in middle school anymore. Your life-size cardboard cutout of the Elf Champion of the Mirkwood isn't proper room decoration. Sure, his eyes are a wondrous shade of sea blue and his hair is like a misted waterfall catching the golden rays of the setting sun, but you have to face reality. You're not thirteen anymore, you're an adult, and what if you have someone over with romantic intent? Don't force your significant other to compete with Legolas Greenleaf because, let's face it, Legolas would win. Don't hamper your love life. College is stressful enough without personal drama. Besides, we all know that Faramir was much better looking.
