Adulthood. That magical which is dangled in front of us tantalizingly for eighteen years and then, out of nowhere, it turns into a fire-breathing hell dragon, lights our asses on fire, and then hits us over the head with a fire extinguisher. In other words, pain with a bit of irony just to keep it interesting. Sometimes, adulthood is fun, but a lot of the time, it just comes with annoyance and expectations, and many of them, I don’t care to meet. Like…
1. Graduating College
To be fair, I did go to college; for one year. It was sort of fun. I met new people, read some interesting books and had newfound freedom. Overall, though, the experience wasn’t right for me. I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself, so I spent both semesters taking classes I wasn’t sure I would end up needing anyway, and classes I didn’t particularly like. Consequently, I ended up skipping most of them. Correction: I ended up taking out thousands of dollars in loans so I could wander around campus all day and cry because class was so stressful and boring that it didn’t seem worth it to even go.
The only classes I enjoyed were my writing classes. Naturally, a creative writing degree should follow, yes? But I have absolutely no desire to continue to pay enormous amounts of money (and go into disgusting amounts of debt) to attend every single class required for that degree, especially when the vast majority of them are more about fiction reading than fiction writing. Will I regret this? Maybe. But for now, I refuse to go back to spending my days sitting in a dorm room, crying because I skipped class or getting migraines (four in total all year, a record up from my previous zero) because I actually attended.
2. Using Tampons
Sometime between sixth and seventh grade, all my friends switched to tampons from pads. In a previous article, I made it pretty clear that I want nothing inside me like that, ever, and I refuse to give up what little personal comfort I have left in this world of “adulthood” just because everyone else seems to have done it. I’ll take my non-invasive pads, thank you.
3. Getting Married
Historically, marriage was a way of making alliances, keeping bloodlines pure, and not at all the lovey-dovey stuff we see now. Today, however, at least in most cases (she wrote optimistically) marriage seems to be more for uniting two people who love each other and want to be together for a very long time. Still, there are so many things wrong with marriage today that I could write an entire article just about that, from same-sex marriage laws (dodgy) to divorce rates (disillusioning.) And why the hell is it the government’s business who I’m in a relationship with, anyway? That being said, I adore weddings and the sheer narcissism involved in throwing a party to celebrate yourselves and expecting your entire extended family to show up, well-dressed and with expensive gifts in tow. Can I just have a wedding without the icky legal bullshit? No? Fuck you, I’m doing it anyway.
4. Owning A Home
Never mind the fact that the average cost of a home in my state is nearly $200,000, an amount that was physically painful to type, let alone consider paying for anything. I just don’t really love the idea of living in one house for the rest of my life. I blame my parents, who had me and my sister moving around from apartment to apartment (to boyfriend’s house to fiancée’s house to trailer part) more times than I can remember. In fact, the longest time I can remember staying in one place was during my last two years of high school. Consequently, staying in one place too long gets boring and makes me anxious for a move, because apparently I’m one of the few people in the world who actually enjoys moving. So, no two-story fixer-upper with a picket fence for me. I’m quite happy in my basement apartment…for now.
5. Bearing Children
A baby is never going to come out of my body. Trust me on this. Pregnancy seems like it would be really annoying and inconvenient, and I’ve seen enough horror movies where the devil’s spawn comes out of a woman to know I’m not risking it. Will I raise a child? Probably not. I’m not a very patient person, I don’t especially like kids, and I’m nowhere near financially or mentally ready for one. But if I do change my mind and decide I want one, it’ll be adopted, and I’m not apologetic about that decision at all. There are so many children without parents who need parents that it seems ridiculous to bring yet another mouth to feed into the world. Aside from that, all that nonsense about adoption not being as strong, as legitimate, or as good as having your own blood children is just that: nonsense. My brother was adopted and, aside from a few mean-spirited comments when I was younger, I’ve never felt as if we were missing anything.
I don’t think I’ll be missing anything by not having my own children, or by not doing anything else in this list. I am grateful that I live in a time in which I’m privileged enough that I get to make these choices for myself, and regardless of whether the people around me approve of them, I’m making these choices. I’m building my life for me and not for anybody else.
