1. I am going to have to turn my phone off before the flight. Crud.

2. Why isn’t there a phone company with a data plan that isn’t disruptive to the airplane’s tech systems or whatever, so that air travelers can use their phones while flying?

3. Business idea.

4. Ok, you just dropped $15 on magazines. You have to read them.

5. But not yet. Solitaire calls.

6. Oh look, airport cutie. Hubba hubba.

7. Just kidding, he’s wearing a fashion scarf. You cannot trust a man who wears a fashion scarf.

8. What do you think this is, Scandinavia?

9. Unless you’re the CEO of IKEA, I am not interested in your delicate neck scarf, Johan.

10. His name is probably Johan.

11. But alas, Johan just made his way over to his gorgeous blonde girlfriend sitting outside the Starbucks. Guess my love is taken.

12. Like he ever had a chance with me anyways.

13. Seriously, she looks like Candice Swanepoel. Go, girl. Go, Johan.

14. Candice looks like she had her glam team go to WORK on her this morning.

15. And here I am, a sweaty frizzy mess, sporting my brother’s sweatpants and a stained t-shirt.

16. No. My outfit has character. I wear it with dignity.

17. One woman’s beauty does not mean the absence of your own.

18. Her bag just moved.

19. CANDACE’S BAG JUST MOVED.

20. CALL TSA. HER OVERSIZED PINK PRADA BAG JUST MOVED.

21. Oh, just kidding, she’s got a dog in her bag.

22. Wow. That is not a dog, that is Steve Buscemi.

23. Why do the prettiest people always have the ugliest dogs? Shame.

24. That was really judgmental. I’m sure that dog has a really nice personality.

25. That dog is probably sitting in first class. That dog probably has a better life than I do.

26. Should we break into those magazines yet? Cosmo is calling.

27. Nah. Solitaire.

28. Aw, what a brave couple, traveling with their newborn baby.

29. They look so haggard. How hard could traveling with a kid REALLY be?

30. Oh, the baby just started crying.

31. Oh, the baby won’t stop crying.

32. Oh, the baby just ruined its onesie.

33. Now I understand.

34. Is that crying baby on my flight?

35. Yes, the crying baby is on my flight.

36. Figures.

37. I feel the pain with you, mom and dad. I feel the pain.

38. Hey, maybe my flight attendant will be cute.

39. Just kidding, all flight attendants ever are grandmas.

40. But that’s ok, they’re always sweet as heck. 10/10 would have an airport mai tai with Flight Attendant Patty after landing.

41. Flight attendants are the backbone of America.

42. Seriously. They deal with wailing children, vomiters, and rude flyers all day.

43. There should be a Flight Attendant Appreciation Day. Drafting an emails to the Obamas now.

44. I hope the TSA agent didn't judge me because I forgot to wear socks with my shoes.

45. Seriously, that floor was gross.

46. I probably have all of the foot funguses.

47. Fungi? Fungi.